Holy crap. When did Mary-Kate Olsen start taking fashion cues from Ozzy Osbourne? This stupid ass Mary-Kate Olsen troll is trying to look as elderly as possible when she should be dressing all slutty while she can get away with it. Bitch probably smells like moth balls, cat piss and White Shoulders dusting powder. Her pockets are probably filled with caramel square wrappers. You really just want to help her memaw ass across the street. She’ll thank you by giving you a nickle.

The National Enquirer via The Post Chronicle alleges that Mary-Kate Olsen could be with child. They say her weight shooting up to 102lbs is a clear indication.

“Mary-Kate has been looking a lot rounder recently. It is good she has put on weight, because she previously suffered from anorexia, but a lot of people think she could actually be attempting to hide her pregnancy.”

She apparently weighs 102lbs now. Yes, 102. What a fucking lard ass, right? If she weighs 102, she’s obviously pregnant with 4 baby elephants. Or maybe she drank too much of her own saliva? Either or.

Ashley Olsen and Mary-Kate are reportedly fighting over whether or not to have breast enlargements. Mary-Kate doesn’t want to because she’s into that waifish look and thinks clothes look better with less cleavage. Ashley, on the other hand, wants tits. Star writes:

“Ashley is considering getting her boobs done because she wants to look more voluptuous,” says one source. “And she told Mary-Kate that she wanted her to get one at the same time so that it wouldn’t be glaringly obvious that Ashley had work done. That way, they could say that they had just both matured and were filling out naturally.

Ashley, go for it. Get yourself a nice set of double Ds and an ass implant. We’ll all play along and pretend that you filled out at 22 years-of-age, trust me. You deserve to reward yourself with a female body just for the year you’re having, since it was your sister Mary Kate and not you who killed the Joker. All you did was let Lance Armstrong ride you like a swing, which technically isn’t illegal but it is certainly disturbing. So you get the implants and your sister can use her part of the tits money to buy some paddles for the guest room.