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Despite the pleas of men the world over, Megan Fox is still planning on marrying 90210 douche Brian Austin Green. Brian told People Magazine at GQ’s Woman of the Year bash on Tuesday:

“[The ceremony will be] small. We might have a few people there. Don’t expect a lot of press hoopla surrounding [the] big day… You might hear about it the week after.”

Brian Austin Green better have a donkey-sized penis, because that’s about the only thing that could make this union credible. Either a giant wiener, or maybe sole possession of a ring forged in the fires of Mount Doom by the Elven smiths of Eregion. It’s the only way this makes any goddamn sense.

Megan Fox showed up at the red carpet premiere of Eagle Eye on the arm of Shia LaBeouf complete with short black dress, cheap tattoos and deadly good looks. So what do you think, is she still hot? I guess I’d have sex with her. Maybe. It all depends on if we could connect on a spiritual level, you know?

Megan Fox gets her bikini on and opens up in the October issue of GQ, and boy, do I mean “open up.” I’m talkin’ wide open. Spread eagle. Feet-behind-the-ears kind of open. She tells the men’s magazine

“I was in love with this [stripper named Nikita] that worked at [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I was there all the time—I would go there by myself. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I’d get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I’d give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration—like You can do it, you’re better than this! She’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads. She had really long stick-straight hair and was Russian. I just liked her. She was really sadistic and sarcastic and funny.”

“I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson.”

Consider this story the antidote to any Amy Winehouse/Blake Fielder-Civil posts you happen to encounter on this site. I’d write more, but I’m gonna need my fingers for the next fifteen or so minutes. Pleasure before business, I always say! I’m pretty sure it’s the main reason why I still don’t have a real job.