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On Monday, unfunny “comedienne” Chelsea Handler appeared on Howard Stern and proceeded to talk shit about fellow E! personality Joan Rivers. Today, Joan Rivers appeared on Howard Stern and completely annihilated Handler so bad that Haiti set up a relief hotline. Radar Online reports:

“Number one, the girl made it on her back fucking the president, we all know that, of the network. Number two, she’s fine, she’s ordinary. She’s not a genius,” Joan told Howard, referring to Chelsea’s past relationship with E! President Ted Harbert. “Whatever she is, she’s a drunk. I don’t wish her good luck, I don’t wish her bad luck,” Joan said. “I don’t think she’s particularly funny. But don’t you come after me, you whore.”

There’s really nothing else I need to add here except Joan Rivers couldn’t be more spot on if she was melanoma.

Radar Online is speculating that Cameron Diaz may have had plastic surgery. Uhh…

“There’s something about Cameron Diaz’s face that is very unusual,” celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Youn, who has not worked with the star, told RadarOnline.com in an exclusive interview. “She looks like she’s preparing to take her costar Jim Carrey’s role in The Mask!” As RadarOnline.com previously reported, it was less than a month ago when formerly flat chested Cameron’s suddenly voluptuous figure sparked speculation that she had gotten breast implants. The Bad Teacher star showcased her startling new look at the 2012 Versace Spring/Summer show during Paris Fashion Week, where she gave Donatella Versace a run for her money in the fake stakes! “Her forehead is excessively smooth, a possible consequence of overdone Botox injections. Her face also looks extremely shiny,” Dr. Youn went on to say about Cameron. “Although I do not believe she’s had a facelift,” he explained. “Laser treatments or chemical peels could account for her smooth, shiny skin. I recommend that she get some mattifying gel as soon as possible to calm it down.” It is not the first time that Diaz has had work done on her face. In 2006, she admitted to having a nose job but claimed it was for “medical purposes,” after she broke it in a surfing accident.

Can you just take a look at the banner photo again? Unless her surgeon was far sighted or using a Batman villain as his guide, I’m pretty sure she’s entitled to a refund.

Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital last night for some sort of substance abuse issue, although just what substance she was abusing remains to be seen. TMZ says:

A 911 call was placed at 10:45 PM Monday night. Paramedics responded to Demi’s L.A. home and after assessing her for a half hour, she was transported to a local hospital.

Sources tell us she is being placed in a facility to “seek further professional assistance.” Our sources say the treatment is for substance abuse.

Demi’s rep [said], “Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends.”

Exhaustion? Are we still using that one?  If this were ancient Egypt Demi Moore would be stuffed with sawdust and herbs by now, even Flat Stanley has more curves than that bitch does.