Was there more to Madonna firing her trainer than we knew? Page Six has word of a million dollar lawsuit against Tracy Anderson, the woman credited with maintaining the Material Mom’s figure. Ex-boyfriend Glynn Barber says he invested heavily in Anderson’s fitness ventures, receiving only a “Dear John” letter in return. “She used her female charms to manipulate me to invest $1 million in her company,” says Barber.

And that’s not all! According to the ex, jilted in 2007, Tracy’s full of lies, magic and poisonous venom. “I was an easy target. She told me she was a Power Ranger. She told me she was in the musical ‘Cats’ for four years…None of this turned out to be true. I wish there was some way to inform her new boyfriend that he is playing with ‘The Cobra.’ Tracy absolutely has some voodoo capability.” Guess Madonna should watch out for sharp pains and snake bites, too.

Folks wondering why Madonna would rather “get hit by a train” than try marriage again should check out Esquire’s new interview with her ex, Sherlock Holmes director Guy Ritchie. Sandwiched between his punch-drunk philosophizing (”In karate, you find out how conceptual pain is. You go through layer after layer…I [have] realized the boundary, the place where pain lies, is not where I thought it was”) and extended spread metaphors (”But with marmalade, within its esotericism is a bit of accessibility. So you see, what I want to create is an accessible bit of esotericism. And well, that’s marmalade, innit?”) is a lovely passage concerning his feelings towards the Material Mom. Behold:

She’s a manifester, if there ever was one…First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she’ll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad…And, of course, here you go: I still love her. But she’s retarded, too.

Aw, the marmalade-making karate master still loves his broad, retarded manifester. If we had to spend a second more with this guy, we’d run for the first baseball player, male model—or passing train—we could find, too.

Madonna’s handsome brother, Christopher Ciccone, took a moment away from admiring his receding hairline, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and double chin to critique his sister’s recent look.

“She looked like Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong! It proves the point that you can judge a person by the company they keep— or don’t keep. It’s painfully apparent that Jesus may be able to turn water into wine, but your basic blow-dryer eludes him.”