The Chicago Sun-Times says Jesus Luz dumped Madonna after realizing the 100 year age difference between them precluded them from having the same interests. Madonna liked knitting, reminiscing about the days before WWIl and recoiling in fear whenever the magic picture box turned on and Jesus Luz liked Hannah Montanna and Bratz dolls. It’s said the split was amicable meaning Madonna’s icy, bony fingers weren’t fast enough to grab on to Jesus as he made his escape from the shackles that bound him. Not metaphorical shackles either. Real shackles. Like the ones they have in dungeons. Jesus probably built up a tolerance to all those sedatives Madonna was feeding him.

Shot by Steven Klein, the black and white shots show Madonna in an array of sensual Italian housewife scenarios, including sweeping with a broomstick, washing dishes, eating spaghetti and cutting vegetables. Inspired by old Italian films including most notably Luchino Visconti’s Bellissima, the campaign will be released in February featuring Madonna in numerous looks including leopard print and floral skirts, and crochet tops and dresses.

I have a feeling Madonna doesn’t generally participate in any of the activities she’s seen doing in her new ads. For instance, washing dishes? Peeling onions? Even eating pasta. Something tells me Madonna just doesn’t do a whole lot of household chores. Nor does she eat a lot of carbs.

Was there more to Madonna firing her trainer than we knew? Page Six has word of a million dollar lawsuit against Tracy Anderson, the woman credited with maintaining the Material Mom’s figure. Ex-boyfriend Glynn Barber says he invested heavily in Anderson’s fitness ventures, receiving only a “Dear John” letter in return. “She used her female charms to manipulate me to invest $1 million in her company,” says Barber.

And that’s not all! According to the ex, jilted in 2007, Tracy’s full of lies, magic and poisonous venom. “I was an easy target. She told me she was a Power Ranger. She told me she was in the musical ‘Cats’ for four years…None of this turned out to be true. I wish there was some way to inform her new boyfriend that he is playing with ‘The Cobra.’ Tracy absolutely has some voodoo capability.” Guess Madonna should watch out for sharp pains and snake bites, too.