VIPRUMOR.com

Oh shit! David Cook took candy away from David Archuleta and won this motherfucker. I’m seriously saying a few silent prayers tonight for Fetus Archuleta. He’s not my thing, but I’m cringing just thinking about the beat downs that are coming his way. You know his daddy is getting his belt ready.

As for the rest of the show… GAY EXTRAVAGANZA! You know how Simon always compares bad performances to “cruise ship performances.” This shit was epitome of cruise ship entertainment! Entertainment on a fucking gay cruise.

DialIdol.com predicts that David Cook will win tonight. I still think that Fetus Archuleta is going to take it. The judges are so far up his asshole that they probably know in detail what his organs looks like. Randy Jackson basically gave Archuleta handjob after handjob last night. Archuleta would have cum, but I don’t think he’s capable of doing that. Shit, I don’t think he’s fully developed yet. His daddy better make sure he’s doubled up on the diapers tonight. When they announce him as the winner, he’ll probably wet his pants. He can’t help it, because he can’t hold it!

David Cook seems like he’s over this shit and I don’t blame him. I secretly hope he wins, but he won’t. The producers and judges have already decided Archuleta needs to win. It’s their gift to all the pedos that watch this mess.

The only way I can deal with tonight’s long ass finale is if Paula Abdul is in top form. Bring on the crazy Paula! The country needs you!

And what was up with the boxing theme last night? GAY! They might as well have done an oil wrestling theme.

Paula Abdul confusing us and herself when she let the Vicodin tea get the best of her while judging Jason Castro. Paula judged Jason for two songs even though he sang just one. Paula tried to explain to ET what the hell happened.

Paula said:

“It got very confusing … the producers come up to us in the dark and said, ‘We are not going to have you guys judge after each performer, we are going to have all the performers go once, then twice and at the end critique them. “

Paula said this surprised her, so she quickly tried to write notes for all performances. When Ryan called on her to judge Jason, she got confused.

“I was trying to give my critique for Jason Castro, and scribbled Jason’s name, and that was DAVID [COOK]’s! … We all just screwed up everything. This is live television. This is fun!”

Oh Paula! Just take another sip from your Coca-Cola cup, sit in the corner and count all the little elves you see scurrying around in front of you. I’m sure that will keep you busy for a few hours.

Thank the fuck for Paula Abdul! She was the only source of real entertainment on last night’s show! I even forgot what the hell any of them sang. The only thing I remember is Fetus Archuleta belting out “America.” He’s no Kristy Lee Cook and I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.

Basically, the toddler and David Cook are safe. Those two saps are going to battle it out in the finals. Please, this has been planned for weeks. So…here’s my bottom 2:

Brooke White: It’s this snatch’s time. I can’t stand to look at her “secretary trying to be fashionable” outfits anymore. I also find myself making her “woe is me” grimace whenever she comes onstage. I can already predict how she’s going to ruin a song before she starts singing. She sits at the piano and does her absolute worse Tori Amos impersonation. Bitch is going home tonight and I’ll toast to that!

Syesha Mercado: It’s either Jason or this Broadway fag. The stoners will keep Jason alive for a couple more weeks. He’s final 3.

Honestly, they should just eliminate all of those hags and declare Paula Abdul the winner of American Idol. She’s one of the only reasons for watching this shit anymore.