Kevin Federline showed up at the Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic looking like he ate his kids.

At one point at Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic, an employee on the grounds saw Federline and remarked, “Man, that’s a belly on him! That’s K-Fed?!?”

While other celebrities like Verne Troyer, Frankie Delgado and Josh Henderson participated in competitive activities, Federline, 31, spent some time with girlfriend Victoria Prince sitting on a shaded patio sipping vodka and orange juice cocktails and smoking cigarettes.

The best part of the story is that Verne Troyer, who is basically handicapped, was able to compete athletically but K-Fed couldn’t get his fat ass off the patio. The only way this story could possibly be any more pathetic is if Popozao was somehow involved.

Kevin Federline and his girlfriend, Stephanie Tanner-something or other, might be getting a reality show.

It’s Britney Spears’ wife-beater-loving ex-husband Kevin Federline, and he’s eyeing a new reality program to show off his latest girlfriend, Victoria Prince, and (gasp) his two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James, a source tells E! News.

“Victoria is a big part of the series,” says the source. “They are not engaged, but she lives with him full-time in his place in Encino.”

Well good for him, I say. Obviously his rap career is going nowhere and the Britney Spears gravy train has got to run out eventually. A guy’s got to work. Peanut butter and bacon pies sure as hell don’t pay for themselves.

Britney Spears – in a moment of divine lucidity – has apparently agreed to terms with Kevin Federline over the custody of their two children, the terms being that Federline gets full physical and legal custody, while Britney gets visitiation rights, so long as its done in a padded cell while that crazy bitch is strapped down to a gurnee with a ball-gag in her mouth (those were the actual words in the settlement agreement, I believe).

K-Fed and his entourage of Funions has credited the deal to the influence of Britney’s father, who is now her co-conservator. At the end of the month, a judge will decide if Jamie Spears should be her full-time co-conservator. In other words, whether that crazy bitch should have someone hold her hand for the rest of her life. And, according to F-Fed’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan:

“While I can’t tell you the terms, the order does anticipate what happens if the conservatorship is ended,” Kaplan told E! News. “The devil is always in the details.”

The devil also lives inside of Britney’s mind, and it’s only a matter of time before Satan builds a tolerance to tranquilizers and compels Britney to eat her children. With some Cheetos and a nice Chianti.