Damn, I’ve never seen Mariah so drunk and Nick so happy. Someone that night didn’t have to ask permission to have sex!

• Don’t Drop the Fatty
• Mariah Carey Looks Well Fed

According to Jon Gosselin’s former nanny, Stephanie Santoro, Jon’s bodyguard Tom Meinelt told her that Jon has a sex tape and he’s seen it.

“Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape! Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”

The fact that a Jon Gosselin sex tape exists, somewhere, is more terrifying to me than terrorists, the swine flu, and the fact that eventually the sun will eventually supernova, expand and swallow our plant whole. Then again, the whole sun swallowing us up thing wouldn’t be so bad if the Jon Gosselin sex tape was destroyed along with the Earth. Hmm … I wonder if there’s any way of speeding that process up. Let’s get on it, science.

• Kate Gosselin Hints At Divorce
• Shauna Sand Sex Tape Is Coming Soon
• Jon Gosselin Cheats On Kate
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• Time Out For Jon & Kate

Lindsay Lohan had an epic meltdown recently at the Crown Bar in Los Angeles when she was expected to pay her bill. And of course she didn’t have any money, since her only job is showing up at places looking cracked out, which actually doesn’t pay as much as you’d expect.

“Lindsay stormed into the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of really expensive champagne. She finished both bottles with a friend. When the bartender gave her a bill, she had a meltdown,” says the source. “She was yelling at him and screaming profanities at everyone. The bar insisted she pay, so she had to call a friend with her credit-card information.”

Before the actress left the club around 2:30 a.m., the onlooker says, “She was crying and wanted to go home. She kept saying ‘I don’t pay for drinks! This is ridiculous! I’m freaking out!’”

Lindsay probably just figured that her delightful appearance was payment enough. Or maybe the vomit she left in one of the ladies room stalls. Eh? How many Los Angeles clubs can boast authentic Lindsay Lohan vomit on the premises? Oh, right. All of them. I guess they were fair in charging her.

• At Least Lindsay Lohan Was Half-Naked
• Lindsay Lohan doesn’t mean it!
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• Lindsay Needs To Start Wearing A Bra!