Folks wondering why Madonna would rather “get hit by a train” than try marriage again should check out Esquire’s new interview with her ex, Sherlock Holmes director Guy Ritchie. Sandwiched between his punch-drunk philosophizing (”In karate, you find out how conceptual pain is. You go through layer after layer…I [have] realized the boundary, the place where pain lies, is not where I thought it was”) and extended spread metaphors (”But with marmalade, within its esotericism is a bit of accessibility. So you see, what I want to create is an accessible bit of esotericism. And well, that’s marmalade, innit?”) is a lovely passage concerning his feelings towards the Material Mom. Behold:

She’s a manifester, if there ever was one…First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she’ll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad…And, of course, here you go: I still love her. But she’s retarded, too.

Aw, the marmalade-making karate master still loves his broad, retarded manifester. If we had to spend a second more with this guy, we’d run for the first baseball player, male model—or passing train—we could find, too.

Madonna’s handsome brother, Christopher Ciccone, took a moment away from admiring his receding hairline, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and double chin to critique his sister’s recent look.

“She looked like Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong! It proves the point that you can judge a person by the company they keep— or don’t keep. It’s painfully apparent that Jesus may be able to turn water into wine, but your basic blow-dryer eludes him.”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkvwfQYcQhw[/youtube]

Madonna collapsed twice onstage during her Sticky & Sweet show in Bulgaria over the weekend. The Sun says

Madge lost consciousness singing Holiday and had to be held up by a dancer. Then, as she left the stage during Spanish Lesson, she passed out and fell over.

A source said: “Madge was really worried backstage. She had to sit down for a longer than usual between songs. She refused to end the show or take a break after the [first] dizzy spell. She’s suffering from exhaustion… she is anaemic.”

Has anyone considered the idea that maybe she just got tired and fell asleep? Old people like taking naps, you know. And Ovaltine and orthopedic shoes, but that’s neither here nor there.