Madonna collapsed twice onstage during her Sticky & Sweet show in Bulgaria over the weekend. The Sun says

Madge lost consciousness singing Holiday and had to be held up by a dancer. Then, as she left the stage during Spanish Lesson, she passed out and fell over.

A source said: “Madge was really worried backstage. She had to sit down for a longer than usual between songs. She refused to end the show or take a break after the [first] dizzy spell. She’s suffering from exhaustion… she is anaemic.”

Has anyone considered the idea that maybe she just got tired and fell asleep? Old people like taking naps, you know. And Ovaltine and orthopedic shoes, but that’s neither here nor there.

Madonna paws at her crotch and thrusts her way through her new video “Celebration,” which also boasts the “talents” of boyfriend Jesus Luz and her preteen daughter Lourdes. The Daily Mail says

Luz, posing as a topless DJ, ends up kissing the mother-of-four before the scene cuts to a troupe of breakdancers – including Madonna’s 12-year-old daughter Lourdes.

If you can’t bear watching the video (I only could because somebody’s paying me to), there’s a “spoken word portion” in which Madge whispers to Luz

Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? You look familiar… You wanna dance? Yeah?
I guess I just don’t recognize you with your clothes on. What are you waiting for?

Yeah, what are you waiting for, Jesus? Her Geritol to kick in? High five!

Madonna was seen out in London last night with arms that no longer resemble human arms, but flesh-colored rain forest tree vines. Grandma Madge has had a good innings (much, much longer than her talent should have allowed) and it can only be hoped that she will understand this and fade into the background and enjoy a comfortable retirement. Sadly though, I fear this is an unlikely scenario.