Right now at a hospital room in the Los Angeles area, a newborn baby is desperately trying to crawl back into Nicole Richie’s vagina after hearing what she has named him. People reports that Nicole and Joel Madden welcomed a baby boy early this morning. The healthy 7lbs. 14oz. was bestowed the name Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Sparrow? Midnight? What the hell is this?

Joel Madden announced on his band’s website over the weekend that he and girlfriend Nicole Richie are expecting again:

What’s better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now………

First of all, no. An Oscar is still better. Second of all, I thought these two weren’t allowed to breed anymore. Between Nicole Richie’s headband obsession and Joel Madden being a douchebag, these two seem like the worst parents ever. There are no possible life skills they can teach their kids except listen to shitty music, weigh 90lbs throughout most of your adult life and there’s no such thing as too much eyeliner. Their kids would have a better chance at life if you threw them in an active volcano.

Nicole Richie shows off her growing baby bump on the beach!

It was also nice of Joel Madden to keep his shirt on when going into the water. He’s thinking of us and I thank him for that.

Here’s Joel and Nicole relaxing in Hawaii from their stressful lives!