I really don’t have any long-winded intro to this story other than John Mayer is a douche and Jessica Simpson is an idiot. Some source (aka Papa Joe using a voice changer) told Page Six:

“Several years ago when he was dating Jessica Simpson, he couldn’t go to her birthday party because he was on tour. So the night of her birthday she had dinner with [hairdresser] Ken Paves and a few friends. Everyone thought John would forget her birthday, but then a gift arrived from him — it was a DVD of him in concert. Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, ‘being with him.’ It was so sad.” A rep for Mayer declined to comment.

Seriously? A DVD of yourself? How is that romantic? I bring the romance by sending my girlfriend pictures of my penis with post-it notes of rainbows and flowers on it. Sometimes I don’t use post-it notes and just shine a light down on it like it was sent down from the heavens above. Because, really, who are we kidding? It totally was.

In “Totally Non-Story Story” news, Jessica Simpson is broken up with Tony Romo and Nick Lachey is broken up with Vanessa Minnillo. That means they can totally get back together now, right? Right?!

To much disappointment, Nick has stated that he hit that and he is not a glutton for punishment.

“I think it’s fun storytelling, but there’s very little truth to any of it. I certainly have heard about her breakup and I wish her the best, as I’ve always done. Aside from that, there really is nothing to say.”

Lachey also mentions that there is zero contact between him and Jessica. So there is no chance of a reconciliation.

“I haven’t talked to her in probably two years,” Lachey says. “I wish her happiness. That’s where it pretty much ends.”

What a dumb idiot. The only thing that ever made Nick Lachey even remotely interesting was Jessica Simpson. The least he could do is throw in a “I’m here if she ever needs to talk.” I guess he really just doesn’t like being a celebrity, then. Well I hope he enjoys hosting parties in Atlantic City, because pretty soon he’ll be hosting tractor pull competitions at county fairs.

No, really, they look totally natural! If you pressed Jessica Simpson’s lips against a window, do you think she would stick? Wait, wait, listen… Jessica wants to tell you guys something. “Glub, glub. Glub. Glub glub. Glub glub.” Well said, Jessica!