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OMG! Jennifer Aniston is knocked up! With twins! And John Mayer is the daddy! Except there’s an itty bitty problem. She’s not exactly pregnant just yet…. Who cares about that! It’s just petty details. According to Star Magazine:

[Jen’s] doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She and John are doing a lot of yoga together, and Jen makes sure to do specific poses to help her get pregnant. She’s taking a lot of folic acid and has upped her intake of milk and beef — all of which are supposed to increase your chances of having twins. She’s even eating cassava root, because women in Africa who consume it have the highest rate of conceived twins.

In your face, Angelina!

Because there’s no better reason to have children than out of spite directed at an ex’s new lover. If you’re not already having them to, say, salvage your failing marriage or for the tax credit and WIC checks. Like they say in Africa, “one baby in the hand is worth a three-goat-and-two-chicken dowry in the fifteen-years-from-now bush!” Also “revenge is a dish best served on a big pile of afterbirth” and “HIV is a myth.” Now you know why nobody ever goes to Africa.

First there were rumors of an unfortunate (for us) pregnancy. Now there are rumors that Jennifer Aniston might marry John Mayer and that it was Jen who made the first move. Because she’s desperate you see. Des-per-ate (des’ perɪt, -prɪt) adj., 1. Having lost all hope; despairing. 2. Marked by, arising from, or showing despair. 3. Reckless or violent because of despair. 4. Undertaken out of extreme urgency or as a last resort Star Magazine says:

“After a barrage of romantic e-mails from him, “she said that she’d only take him back if they got married, and he agreed,” says a source. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he. They’ve even talked about having a family, and John said that he couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone but her.” Since going public with their reunion, Jen and John have rarely left each other’s side, enjoying intimate dinners at his NYC apartment before sharing a private jet to L.A., where they’ve been seen together at The Tower Bar at Sunset Tower Hotel, Grand Havana Room and, most recently, the Beverly Hills Hotel.”

A marriage by way of ultimatum. I like it. Maybe later Jennifer can withhold sex until John beats up Angelina and Brad for her because in Jen’s world, people will do your bidding or else…. *shakes fist*

Okay, take this with a grain of salt. According to Australia’s New Weekly, Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer’s baby. Jen has reunited with John last week because she’s pregnant with his child, sources tell the magazine.

The pair made their first outings as a reunited couple last week, enjoying a romantic weekend in New York and a concert in Boston. But while friends are scratching their heads about what made Jen take the playboy musician back, the smile the actress has been wearing says it all — she’s pregnant and loving it!

Wait. Are they speculating she’s pregnant based off of her smile? I know Jenn’s life is depressing and she has very little to be pleased about, but come on. That’s like me saying that cute girl at Starbucks wants to sleep with me because she always tells me to have a nice day. Even though she does. You can’t base a wild rumor off of a happy disposition. You base it off of anonymous sources or in my case, the fact that you’re given correct change every time you buy a latte.