Reports claim that John Mayer and Kristin Cavallari from The Hills have been hooking up secretly for quite some time (two years!). The pair have been sneaking off to a mutual friend’s house in the Mt. Olympus area of the Hollywood Hills to get freaky . . . for two years!

That’s a long ass time to keep this under wraps! Props to you guys.

A source close to Kristin says the reality star has been hesitant to start anything serious with John because “she didn’t want to be added to his long list of conquests, and they were both dating other people off and on.”

Wow! We hope for Jennifer Aniston’s sanity she wasn’t dating him at the time!

Furthermore, we’re hearing that since their secret love affair has come out into the open, they are starting to consider seriously going public.

I really don’t have any long-winded intro to this story other than John Mayer is a douche and Jessica Simpson is an idiot. Some source (aka Papa Joe using a voice changer) told Page Six:

“Several years ago when he was dating Jessica Simpson, he couldn’t go to her birthday party because he was on tour. So the night of her birthday she had dinner with [hairdresser] Ken Paves and a few friends. Everyone thought John would forget her birthday, but then a gift arrived from him — it was a DVD of him in concert. Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, ‘being with him.’ It was so sad.” A rep for Mayer declined to comment.

Seriously? A DVD of yourself? How is that romantic? I bring the romance by sending my girlfriend pictures of my penis with post-it notes of rainbows and flowers on it. Sometimes I don’t use post-it notes and just shine a light down on it like it was sent down from the heavens above. Because, really, who are we kidding? It totally was.

John Mayer was aboard the Mayercraft Cruise Liner in Long Beach the other day where he busted out his Big Gay Skipper outfit in order to attention whore above deck. Last year, he paraded around the inaugural cruise in a Borat costume. Regrettably, we won’t find out what he’s going to wear tomorrow because if all goes according to plan, he’ll be pushed overboard into the ocean where I’ll have already chummed for sharks.