I swear, Jennifer Aniston must be the most annoying, grating chick on earth or her vagina has teeth, because guessed who just got dumped again? Surprise! E! reports:

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer may have called it quits. That’s the rumor I’m hearing. A source says that the pair’s on-again, off-again relationship may have ended when Aniston returned from overseas, where she was promoting Marley & Me. She returned sometime within the last week. “He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour,” the source said. Aniston’s rep did not immediately comment. Mayer’s rep declined to comment on the singer’s personal life.

God. By now, Jennifer Aniston’s eggs must look like that sandwich you left in the fridge six months ago. You probably need an ice pick to tear them apart because they’ve all crusted together. Her biological clock must be ticking so loudly that she mistakes it for her morning alarm.

OMG! Jennifer Aniston is knocked up! With twins! And John Mayer is the daddy! Except there’s an itty bitty problem. She’s not exactly pregnant just yet…. Who cares about that! It’s just petty details. According to Star Magazine:

[Jen's] doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She and John are doing a lot of yoga together, and Jen makes sure to do specific poses to help her get pregnant. She’s taking a lot of folic acid and has upped her intake of milk and beef — all of which are supposed to increase your chances of having twins. She’s even eating cassava root, because women in Africa who consume it have the highest rate of conceived twins.

In your face, Angelina!

Because there’s no better reason to have children than out of spite directed at an ex’s new lover. If you’re not already having them to, say, salvage your failing marriage or for the tax credit and WIC checks. Like they say in Africa, “one baby in the hand is worth a three-goat-and-two-chicken dowry in the fifteen-years-from-now bush!” Also “revenge is a dish best served on a big pile of afterbirth” and “HIV is a myth.” Now you know why nobody ever goes to Africa.

First there were rumors of an unfortunate (for us) pregnancy. Now there are rumors that Jennifer Aniston might marry John Mayer and that it was Jen who made the first move. Because she’s desperate you see. Des-per-ate (des’ perɪt, -prɪt) adj., 1. Having lost all hope; despairing. 2. Marked by, arising from, or showing despair. 3. Reckless or violent because of despair. 4. Undertaken out of extreme urgency or as a last resort Star Magazine says:

“After a barrage of romantic e-mails from him, “she said that she’d only take him back if they got married, and he agreed,” says a source. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he. They’ve even talked about having a family, and John said that he couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone but her.” Since going public with their reunion, Jen and John have rarely left each other’s side, enjoying intimate dinners at his NYC apartment before sharing a private jet to L.A., where they’ve been seen together at The Tower Bar at Sunset Tower Hotel, Grand Havana Room and, most recently, the Beverly Hills Hotel.”

A marriage by way of ultimatum. I like it. Maybe later Jennifer can withhold sex until John beats up Angelina and Brad for her because in Jen’s world, people will do your bidding or else…. *shakes fist*