Us Weekly claims Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s marriage is on the rocks. Lopez showed up to last week’s New York premiere of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button without her wedding ring on and Anthony was spotted in Vegas the weekend before without his on. A friend of Anthony’s told the magazine:

“He’s very, very controlling of her. The skirts aren’t as short. You don’t see so much of that booty anymore.”

A longtime friend of Lopez’s added:

“She walks in from work, washes her hands and grabs the babies. With him, it’s almost like, ‘Ugh, they’re crying again?’ Jennifer looked around and said, ‘This is my life now? I’m a Long Island housewife?’ She hates that everything she worked for went down the tubes.”

Well, maybe that’s for the best. Now she can get back to her one true love, horribly cliched romantic comedies, and he can get back to his one true love, scurrying through dumpsters and gnawing on the brains of humans. Or whatever it is that washed-up pop stars and zombie sewer rats do in their spare time time.

Jennifer Lopez and her fat ass are still in Italy and still in a bikini on somebody’s yacht. I don’t know how that makes you feel, but I’m still sitting here with my penis still in a coma until Jennifer Lopez leaves Italy. Excuse me while I go and cry in a hot shower.

Did you know that when J.Lo wears a bikini that shiny, you can actually see her ass from space?