[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdclfVJumoM[/youtube]

Jennifer Lopez was performing her new single, Louboutins, at the 2009 American Music Awards and fell on her ass. That had to be embarrassing. Especially since her backup dancers had to do three cycles of P90X to lift her up. Man, did anybody do anything that resembled an actual performance last night? The producers could have had an elephant in a propeller hat riding a tricycle and it would have been, at worst, the second best thing you saw all night.

Us Weekly claims Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s marriage is on the rocks. Lopez showed up to last week’s New York premiere of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button without her wedding ring on and Anthony was spotted in Vegas the weekend before without his on. A friend of Anthony’s told the magazine:

“He’s very, very controlling of her. The skirts aren’t as short. You don’t see so much of that booty anymore.”

A longtime friend of Lopez’s added:

“She walks in from work, washes her hands and grabs the babies. With him, it’s almost like, ‘Ugh, they’re crying again?’ Jennifer looked around and said, ‘This is my life now? I’m a Long Island housewife?’ She hates that everything she worked for went down the tubes.”

Well, maybe that’s for the best. Now she can get back to her one true love, horribly cliched romantic comedies, and he can get back to his one true love, scurrying through dumpsters and gnawing on the brains of humans. Or whatever it is that washed-up pop stars and zombie sewer rats do in their spare time time.

Jennifer Lopez and her fat ass are still in Italy and still in a bikini on somebody’s yacht. I don’t know how that makes you feel, but I’m still sitting here with my penis still in a coma until Jennifer Lopez leaves Italy. Excuse me while I go and cry in a hot shower.