Gun to your head, which chick would you stalk/try to be at the same beach on in Hawaii this week . . . Britney Spears of Sophie Monk? I know Britney is a mess, but she still has A list clout and I think you’d get to see some funny shit. On the other hand, I heard that Sophie Monk has a thing for bloggers, so there’d be a chance that she might walk over an ask me if I’d like to be her surf board or her pogo stick.

Britney Spears hanging out on Hawaiian beaches with her boyfriend Jason Trawick taking a vacation from . . . something. She actually looks decent. Her string bikini doesn’t even need to be reinforced with titanium anymore.

Olivia Wilde went to the beach in LA yesterday and as much as I’ve fawned about her hotness in the past, these pics are a tad underwhelming compared to, oh I dunno, this.

I don’t know if Amy Winehouse is constipated or just trying to stave off a session of explosive diarrhea from spraying out of her bottom. But what I do know is that her ass should doubtless be measured with a protractor from here on out, because it makes a damn near perfect 45-degree angle. Isosceles triangles all over the place must be so jealous!

Scott Weiland of STP was performing in Cincinnati last night when he fell off the stage yet somehow managed to keep singing. Man, that guy is amazing.

Thanks to the quick work of the LAPD, Paris Hilton will live to see the age of 30. Thanks a lot LAPD. TMZ says:

Law enforcement confirms that a man in his 40s was arrested at Hilton’s home around 6:30 AM. He was hauled off to a local jail.

Paris told police the man was banging on the windows of the home, but never actually entered the place.

Paris was told the man was considered “armed and dangerous” — and that she was “lucky” the guy didn’t get inside.

Paris didn’t know the man. It’s unclear if the guy targeted her or if it was a random incident.

She later tweeted that the guy was wielding two big knives (or “knifes,” as it were), so that’s probably what went wrong. You’re gonna need a free hand to distract her with a mirror, and then later when you pin her to the ground by her throat. Unless you’re the blue Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or that guy at the bazaar in Raiders of the Lost Ark, two knives is just one knife too many.

I know you’ve all been on the edge of your seats waiting to finally find out who the new Miss Universe was going to be. Well wait no longer, last night Miss Mexico Jimena Navarrete was named the hottest woman in the universe. Anyhow, pageant people are weird.

Last night at the Miss Universe pageant, William Baldwin asked Miss Philippines Maria Venus Raj what one big mistake in her life was and how she fixed it.

She answered that :

“In my 22 years of existence, I can say there is nothing major major any problem I have done in my life because I am very confident with my family and the love they are giving to me. So, thank so much that I am here. Thank you, thank you so much.”

That’s about the point everyone scratched their heads and looked at her funny. I don’t think that was an answer. To anything. But it did get me thinking: What, in a pageant context, is the correct answer to that question? What, for a 22-year-old, is the life mistake that’s mentionable on TV and sounds plausible and impressive? Bad boyfriend is obviously out. Ditto for decision to drop out of college or run away from home. So what was the poor girl to say?

Beyonce and her miserable prick husband Jay-Z vacationed this weekend in Portoferraio, Italy. I don’t get Jay-Z, his wife is Braless Beyonce, she is rich beyond belief, hot as lava and this prick never looks happy. Maybe it’s that hard core rap image or some stupid shit I don’t understand. Lighten up Gay-Z!

A new biography about Vivien Leigh (Gone With the Wind) says she was a big whore. Author Darwin Porter claims Vivien slept with costars Marlon Brando, Rex Harrison and Isabel Jeans.

“In the 1940s, the world’s most recognizable star would drive down to Scotty’s (a notorious LA brothel that masqueraded as a gas station with one pump and 22 attendants) with her friend George Cukor, the initial director of ‘Gone With The Wind,’ and they would both pick out young men for the night. They would pay the men with gifts such as cigarette cases, jewels, or even stocks and bonds. She depended on the professional discretion of men not to boast they had just serviced Scarlett O’Hara.”

You mean debauchery runs rampant in Hollywood?! OMG! Catch me while I faint.