Tori Spelling in Palm Springs on Sunday!

If you ever wondered what Gollum might look like as a post-op transsexual in a cheap wig, wonder no more.

I can’t imagine why “actress” Tori Spelling would admit to having had a boob job earlier this year. With a bust line that natural, you never would have never in a million years guessed that she’d undergone surgery. Perfection, yours name is Tori!

Tori Spelling checked into Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for her scheduled chop ‘n pop yesterday afternoon accompanied by husband Dean McDermott. Later the couple’s second child, Stella Doreen, was delivered.

Steeelllaaaaaa! They gave her the middle name of Doreen after Dean’s late mommy. And what about Tori’s mother?! They really should have named their daughter Candy Doreen if they knew what was good for them. Seriously, Tori is basically asking to be disinherited by her mother. Candy Doreen would’ve been the hottest name. Sounds like a gum-chewing!

I blame it on Demi Moore. That goddamn Vanity Fair photo shoot she did back in 1991 basically achieved the same result that we’d get if we turned off our spam filters – essentially, leaving the door wide fucking open for any riffraff to just come strolling on in to ruin it for everyone.

And as if Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears weren’t bad enough, now there’s this. I don’t know who convinced Tori Spelling it’d be a good idea to pose for bikini pics while eight months pregnant but, congratulations, I hate you.

If you haven’t heard by now, Tori Spelling is clamoring to be in the new 90210 remake like a Corey to a direct-to-DVD vampire movie sequel. But if you think she’s doing it because she’s a fame-seeking attention whore, that’s where you’re wrong. Nope, her intentions are purely selfless.

“My dad always wanted to do a new version of 90210, so I’m sure he will be beaming from above!” Spelling, 34, tells PEOPLE, referring to her father, the show’s producer Aaron Spelling. “And I’d love to somehow be a part of it. That as well would make my dad proud!”

I don’t know Tori, I think you already made your father proud enough when you wrote in your new book about how your mom cheated on him while he was dying. There’s only so much pride to go around — you don’t want to be known as some kind of “daddy pride hog,” do you?

When did this happen? Um, judging from this photo taken of Tori Spelling last week, it looks like homegirl is knocked up with her second kid.

Tori and husband Dean Whatever have a son, Liam, who turns 1 year old in March.

Tori Spelling is an actress, a mom, a reality-show star, and now … a minister? She could officiate a gay wedding at her crappy B&B.

Tori said, “I was so honoured when the couple asked me to officiate. We did it on the front steps of the Chateau as 40 of their friends looked on seated in a lounge-like atmosphere. It was so beautiful as I united Tony and Dex as life partners in love.”

“I’ve done live theater and presented at the Emmys and this by far was my scariest moment simply because they had bestowed such an honor upon me and I didn’t want to let them down.”

Tori is such a romantic. I hope she covered up her tits while performing such a gorgeous ceremony.