Suri Cruise, the daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, is jealous that her daddy gets to sashay around the house in sparkly kitten heels, so he got her a pair of her very own which she wore while shopping in Boston with that weepy robot woman who really needs an alien exorcism.

Forbes today named little Suri Cruise the most powerful celebrity toddler. No, seriously, Forbes felt the roughly ten billion lists they have on their website weren’t enough and they’re now ranking toddlers. Via the San Francisco Chronicle:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter, Suri, has been named the World’s Most Powerful toddler. A new poll by Forbes magazine has put the two-year-old ahead of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s brood of kids in the search for the most influential child under the age of five. The top 10 is as follows:

1. Suri Cruise
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
5. Sam Alexis Woods (daughter of golf ace Tiger Woods)
6. Cruz Beckham
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (daughter of actress Michelle Williams and the
late Heath Ledger)
8. David Banda
9. Sean Preston Federline
10. Sam Sheen (daughter of Charlie Sheen and ex-wife Denise Richards).

The fact that Suri’s the ”World’s Most Powerful Toddler” is impressive. But you know what’s more impressive? Not crapping your pants. Newsflash people: Other than the smell that wafts from their diapers, there’s nothing “powerful” about a toddler.

Everything’s totally cool, guys! Tom Cruise and Matt Lauer have finally kissed and made up. Almost literally. And just so you know, they’re definitely not both cringing on the inside as if they were embracing giant, man-sized pieces of dog shit.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a busy weekend: the day before they stopped by the MTV Movies Awards on Sunday, the couple threw a house-warming party for their new Beverly Hills digs. Guests included Oprah, Jennifer Lopez, Jeremy Piven, Tobey Mcguire, Victoria Beckham, Eva Longoria, and Brooke Shields.

It is just me or are they starting to look more and more like each other. In a really creepy way. And what’s with her clip-on wig? Haircut mite look good on Suri but she looks like a fucking Muppet! She’s a giant Muppet. This may be one of the many Katie clones that Tom has made. The real Katie is actually dead.

Here’s Tom and Katie: Now with matching hair. Because, let’s be honest – the only person Tom really wants to fuck is himself. This picture is too awkward for words. It looks like Tom is taking his sassy Great Aunt Sylvia out for a lunch where they’ll leer at the hunky waiter together. Then later they might play bridge!

Cruise, whose net worth is upwards of $250 million, is known to have an affinity for fast vehicles, including motorcycles, Porsches and planes. Some estimate the actor spent $1 million in 2006 on fuel alone.

A million smackers on gas? Holy shit! Somewhere Al Gore is reading this with eco-friendly steam coming out his ears. He’s almost certainly wishing he didn’t make that promise to Gary Coleman to never kick a midget again. But he never said anything about face punching…

Jerry O’Connell from FunnyOrDie.com spoof the Tom Cruise Scientology videos from last week. The hilarious Jerry O’Connell is finally starring in something to recommend to people.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Yesterday, Radar, Huffington Post, Gawker and Celebitchy posted this Scientology video with that fanatical Tom Cruise essentially babbling the entire time. It’s 9-minutes of insanity and it’s scaring me. It’s getting pulled off of YouTube left and right, so I’m pretty sure this one will go next. Get it while it’s hot and if it’s gone, do a search in YouTube. It will haunt my dreams.

If you watch the video, DO NOT LOOKS HIM IN THE EYES. Sincerely, you don’t want to take any chances. He might hypnotize your ass or something.

The background music is a nice touch, but they really should’ve used the theme song for “Twilight Zone” instead. That would have been more fitting.

Katie Holmes accompanied Tom Cruise to the Bambi Awards in Germany. Katie showed off her new haircut which further proves that she is just a giant walking doll for Tom Cruise to play dress-up with.

When is Katie Holmes going to realize that she is not a fashion icon? Katie Holmes and fashion go hand in hand like Tom Cruise and flats. It just doesn’t make sense.

Tom Cruise and company were finally allowed to film parts of their Nazi movie, ‘Valkyrie’ in Berlin and Tommy Girl wanted a moment of silence to pay tribute to the anti-Nazi heroes they portray. This moment of silence was broken when one of the crew member on his latest film set passed wind during a minute’s silence.

A source on set said, “Fortunately the mystery gassy man didn’t completely ruin the touching gesture. Quite rightly, Tom is furious. We were filming at the Bendler Block in Germany where the anti-Nazis were executed.”

The source added: “So for somebody to pass wind in a situation like that is unforgivable.”

A little fart never hurt anyone! When you got to blow, you got to blow. I find farts hilarious. I know it was a solemn moment, and I guess there are moments when it’s inappropriate. But if it’s during one of Tom Cruise’s orchestrated control fests, I sincerely approve. Dude created his own Nazi gas chamber.

And that its not all…Star magazine, says that Tom Cruise is planning to build a … wait for it … wait for it … a 10 million dollar underground bunker in Colorado to prepare for the arrival of Xenu, his alien god who is at the heart of scientology. Star says:

Devout Scientologist Tom Cruise plans to build a $10 million bunker under his Telluride, Colorado, mansion, a source tells Star! Equipped with a high tech air-purifying system, “it’s a self-contained underground system where up to 10 people can survive for years.” Apparently, Scientologists believe that the evil deposed galactic ruler Xenu is set to attack Earth, and they’ll need a safe place to survive.

I spoke with Xenu, he told me the first place he will destroy is Colorado. He hates short gay men. Where’s the popcorn? Certainly that is more entertaining than his movies!

Also – how do I know Tom’s nuts are tiny? It would make sense; the rest of him is tiny. Especially his brain. And another thing – his mother is cute.