Vivid Entertainment has released the cover of Shauna Sand’s sex tape, and boy does this look like all the sex tapes I’ve ever made. Without the professional lighting, makeup, duct tape, and screams that no one will ever be able to hear no matter how loud your scream, it’d be almost like I’m looking in a mirror!!

NSFW version here:

Vivid Entertainment acquired a hardcore sex tape featuring the plastic Shauna Sand and plan to release it October 19. Shauna admits she in fact made several sex tapes with her Miami boyfriend, but did not “sign off on this.” Obviously not too thrilled, she has summoned the power of her attorney.

“Yes I did make a sex tape with my boyfriend earlier this year. In fact I’ve made several sex tapes, but I certainly didn’t sign off on this and Vivid has no right to put it out. I am trying to get a hold of my attorney now.”

Vivid founder Steven Hirsch isn’t too worried claiming they legally obtained the tape from a third party.

“We were approached by a third party, who brought us footage of Shauna having sex with her current boyfriend and we were immediately interested in acquiring it … We’re comfortable with our legal position in releasing this footage.”

If in fact this tape gets blocked and you really want to see it regardless of your stomach warning you not to, just watch someone have sex with a life size Barbie doll with big, fake Barbie breasts in ten-inch heels. It’ll be the exact same thing except the girl will be way hotter.

America’s favorite lucite-heeled skank, Shauna Sand, filed a temporary restraining order yesterday against her husband Romain Chavent. The former Playboy Playmate alleged that Romain punched her in her still-recovering-from-plastic-surgery boobs. Oh no, Shauna’s secret is out! She has implants! From TMZ:

Among the claims, Shauna says Romain once “threatened to sell nude photos of my children that he took of them when he was babysitting.”

In the documents, Shauna also claims in March 2008, Chavent punched her in the stomach and threw her into a wall. And in 2007, Romain allegedly strangled, punched and threw Sand across the room. Shauna says she was granted a restraining order for the 2007 incident, but had it dismissed “because he promised to change.”

Wait, what? The first thing that comes to mind when I babysit is how much beer this kid needs to fall asleep not how I can trick them into getting nude so I can take pictures of them to use for blackmail. Jesus, the only thing this guy hasn’t done is push an old lady down the stairs and kill a kitten. The next thing on his todo list is probably “kick a field goal with a baby.”

When I saw these pictures of Lorenzo Lamas’ ex Shauna Sand taking her panties off before going into the Foxtail Lounge I assumed that Shauna, being the saint that she is, probably decided to do the lovely people of Los Angeles a gift by cleaning up the air with her beautifully scented vagina. Her chocha probably smells like a million Glad air fresheners (Country Garden Fragrance).

I assumed these were old promo stills from Jenna Jameson’s “Zombie Strippers.” Turns out it’s actually former Playmate Shauna Sand in Miami, and she looks that way on purpose. I’d still clobber it in the head with a machete if it came too close.

She can’t possibly think that looks good! Shauna needs to put down that iPod and pick up a piece of chicken or something — you must have an eating disorder if your boobs weigh more than you! I’ve seen Somali refugees that looked more nourished. On the bright side, for only $25 a month, you, too, can sponsor Shauna. Receive pictures, monthly status reports, and more!

Shauna Sand is such a delicate creature with such sophisticated taste. She is a true lady from top to bottom. Oh! Who am I fooling? She looks like the phrase “20 for a blow, 40 for a lay” is part of her every day language. There are now words for this hot mess. She is straight wearing lingerie. The saddest part is she has daughters; they will grow up to be strippers for sure. I still can believe Lorenzo Lamas did this to the mother of his children. He put her out after she had 3 children for him. Brit is almost conservative in comparison.