A great memaw was driving to Austin, Texas to buy some Werther’s, Metamucil and Icy Hot when she was pulled over for speeding. Officer Christopher Beize told 72-year-old Kathryn Winkfein that he was going to write her a ticket for going 60 in a 45mph construction zone. Kathryn refused to sign the ticket. That’s when Officer Beize threatened to arrest her old ass if she didn’t cooperate. Officer Beize should know that you don’t fuck with a memaw, because bitches don’t play!

Memaw Kat got out of her truck to give Officer B a big slice of FUCK OFF PIE. Memaw Kat eventually agreed to sign it and tried to wrestle Officer B’s ticket book out of his hands.

And Memaw Kat should know that you don’t fuck with a police officer, because they carry taser guns. That’s exactly what happened next. Officer B tasered Memaw Kat! How are you going to do that to a memaw?! Officer B is lucky Kat’s heart didn’t jump out of her prune hole and run away!

In his report, Officer B said he had no choice but to taser Memaw Kat. He said she was trying to push him into traffic and if he didn’t subdue her, she would’ve hurt him or herself.

After paramedics arrived and changed Memaw Kat’s Depends, she was arrested for resisting arrest. If convicted, she could face up to a year in jail and a $4,000 fine.

Officer B should get his taser gun taken away! This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, he didn’t need to fry the granny! He could have just given her a caramel square to calm her down a bit. Second of all, I think by tasering Memaw Kat he made her eyebrows jump up a couple of inches! Messing up a ho’s eyebrows is the biggest crime of all.

They haven’t decided on a name yet, but they have decided that Nancy would be tittyfeeding their new son. Some source-type also said it was a natural birth. I guess that means the baby came out of his peen hole. It happens. Bigger things have come out of my peen hole before. There I go again. Ruining some beautiful with gutter talk.

Enough of me. Congratulations to Pregnant Dude and Big Butch Nancy!

Jon Gosselin, the guy with eight kids the raging cunt wife on the TLC hit reality show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, has been spending time with his mom. And by that I mean, banging the local girl’s college volleyball team. Woo hoo! Star Magazine reports:

The father of twins and sextuplets has been living it up in Huntingdon, Pa., where his mom resides. He turned up uninvited at a Feb. 6 party thrown by Juniata College seniors Erin Albert and Mariel Little — and ended up playing the drinking game beer pong with members of the women’s volleyball team! “He was acting like a drunk, girl-chasing frat boy,” one team member tells Star. “It really disturbed me. On the show he is so nice, but here, he was acting like an idiot.” The following night he ended up at Memories Sports Bar & Grill. “He was dirty dancing with several girls from the volleyball team, making out, kissing them on their necks and mouths,” says a witness in the bar. “He was all over one girl, a long-haired blonde who’s nearly 6 feet tall. He left with several of the girls, including her.”

Spend five minutes watching this show, and the only thing you’ll be asking yourself is what the hell took so long. God, this dude’s wife is the most controlling bitch and insufferable nag on Earth.

Nadya Suleman claims she hasn’t had sex in 8 years, and that she won’t be dating for another 18 years, until her kids are grown up. The New York Post reports:

Nadya Suleman, 33, insisted she hasn’t been with a man since well before her eldest son, who is 7, was born though in vitro fertilization.

“I can’t remember the last time I went on a date,” Suleman told The Sun newspaper of London, after she was asked when was the last time she had sex. “Boyfriends? I think I’d have to be extremely selfish. I cannot maintain a social life and be a mother.”

Suleman promised to abstain from men until all her kids have grown up and flown the coop.

“To even take 1 percent of every night and devote it to someone else, a stranger, would be wrong,” she said.

“I have to wait for that until my youngest have left school.”

Ha! I really appreciate her attempt to sound like a responsible parent, but gee, having kids to try to fix your childhood issues of isolation kind of makes whatever you say irrelevant. Plus, not having sex hasn’t kept her from being a damned baby mill, now has it?

Here she is arriving at the Bellflower hospital where her 8 babies are being taken care of.

TMZ posted a photo of octomom Nadya Suleman eight days before she gave birth to her eight lottery tickets. That. Is. Disgusting. Equally disgusting is her vagina after giving birth. She could sit on a traffic cone and not feel a thing.

Corrections: I made it sound like Nadya gave birth vaginally when she in fact had a c-section.

A Texas homemaker named Sheyla Hershey underwent her ninth breast enlargement surgery last month in order to break the world record for biggest fake tits — a comically disgusting 38KKK. Her mom and dad must be so proud! According to The Sun:

Medics warned 28-year-old her that her breasts are in danger of exploding but that did not stop Sheyla going under the knife. US doctors had refused to carry out any more ops on Sheyla when her breasts were already a staggering 34FFF… but Sheyla was determined to get in the record books and jetted off to Brazil where there are no limits on implant sizes.

Sheyla said: “To me, big is beautiful. I don’t think I have anything to worry about.”

You know, there are other, more refined ways to get men to notice you. Tattooing “I’m desperately insecure and willing to do anal” on your forehead or setting yourself on fire while juggling kittens, for example. I guess the fine art of subtlety is just lost on some people.

A little baby in China was reportedly born with an extra peen on his back. The baby was born to a farmer and his wife in China’s Henan province. The Sun reports that the condition is called fetus in fetu. He was taken to the hospital and the extra peen was removed. Thankfully, baby is fine after surgery and all is well. Dick happens!