According to Jon Gosselin’s former nanny, Stephanie Santoro, Jon’s bodyguard Tom Meinelt told her that Jon has a sex tape and he’s seen it.

“Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape! Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”

The fact that a Jon Gosselin sex tape exists, somewhere, is more terrifying to me than terrorists, the swine flu, and the fact that eventually the sun will eventually supernova, expand and swallow our plant whole. Then again, the whole sun swallowing us up thing wouldn’t be so bad if the Jon Gosselin sex tape was destroyed along with the Earth. Hmm … I wonder if there’s any way of speeding that process up. Let’s get on it, science.

Vivid Entertainment acquired a hardcore sex tape featuring the plastic Shauna Sand and plan to release it October 19. Shauna admits she in fact made several sex tapes with her Miami boyfriend, but did not “sign off on this.” Obviously not too thrilled, she has summoned the power of her attorney.

“Yes I did make a sex tape with my boyfriend earlier this year. In fact I’ve made several sex tapes, but I certainly didn’t sign off on this and Vivid has no right to put it out. I am trying to get a hold of my attorney now.”

Vivid founder Steven Hirsch isn’t too worried claiming they legally obtained the tape from a third party.

“We were approached by a third party, who brought us footage of Shauna having sex with her current boyfriend and we were immediately interested in acquiring it … We’re comfortable with our legal position in releasing this footage.”

If in fact this tape gets blocked and you really want to see it regardless of your stomach warning you not to, just watch someone have sex with a life size Barbie doll with big, fake Barbie breasts in ten-inch heels. It’ll be the exact same thing except the girl will be way hotter.

File this one under “No Thanks”: a Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel sex tape is being shopped around on the interwebs. Oh No They Didn’t says:

According to an anonymous source, the former couple (Sarah is now dating Rob Huebel) recorded a 15-minute tape while on vacation a few years ago, but forgot the camera in the resort room – a worker at the resort is now shopping around the tape of the couple allegedly having sex.

Based on the screen shots alone, that could be absolutely anybody or anything. It could be Jon Grosselin, it could be Kate Gosselin’s possum head, it could be Khloe Kardashian without her weave on or it could be my Uncle Ryan after getting his back waxed.

On Oprah today, Mackenzie Phillips is supposed to drop an shocking family secret. Well, the secret is out and it is definitely all sorts of fucked up. You might want to clear your throat and wash your eyes out with holy water before, after and during.

In her new tell-all book High on Arrival, Mackenzie says that she had sex with her father, John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas. California Nightmarin’!

49-year-old Mackenzie said that she would do the bad shit with her father all the time. In fact, John, who died in 2001, shot Mackenzie up with heroin for the first time. And on the night before her wedding to Jeff Sessler in 1979, her dad tried to stop her from marrying his ass. Mackenzie writes:

“I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad’s bed. My father was not a man with boundaries. He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I didn’t know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it. For a moment I was in my body, in that horrible truth, and then I slid back into a blackout.”

The following year continued to be a fucked up time for Mackenzie. She was fired from One Day at a Time for being addicted to the bad shit and she went to rehab with her father. Mackenzie says their sexual relationship became “consensual.” She went on to write:

“I was a fragment of a person, and my secret isolated me. One night Dad said, ‘We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us. There are countries where this is an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji.’ He was completely delusional. No, I thought, we’re going to hell for this.”

If this isn’t an anti-drug ad, I don’t know what is. But Mackenzie said that we shouldn’t “hate” her father for this. Too late. According to Mackenzie, the dude introduced her to heroin and forced/manipulated her into a sexual relationship with him. So not only is this an anti-drug ad, but it’s an anti-John Phillips ad too.

Some nude pics of Twilight star Ashley Greene hit the internets today and all I can say is, whew! It’s been nearly 100 hours since a famous chick had her private nude pics leaked to the net. I was beginning to think Hollywood wasn’t full of dumb whores. Thanks for restoring my faith Ashley!

ESPN’s Erin Andrews is the victim of some sick pervert who illegally recorded the beautiful sportscaster through the peephole of her hotel room.

Andrews was caught naked, and the perpetrator took the video right to the internet in hopes of making some quick cash.

However, her attorneys jumped on it, threatening anyone who decided to post the peephole video. And rightfully so! They released the following statement/warning:

“While alone in the privacy of her hotel room, Erin Andrews was surreptitiously videotaped without her knowledge or consent. She was the victim of a crime and is taking action to protect herself and help ensure that others are not similarly violated in the future. Although the perpetrator or perpetrators of this criminal act have not yet been identified, when they are identified she intends to bring both civil and criminal charges against them and against anyone who has published the material. We request respect of Erin’s privacy at this time, while she and her representatives are working with the authorities.”

Now, everyone on the net is looking for the video. So of course little geeky hacker pricks are using this opportunity to spread computer viruses by luring people with the alleged video. So don’t bother looking for the video. You might get more than you asked for.

Hundreds of “highly intimate” images of French First Lady Carla Bruni and an ex-lover were stolen over the weekend while she and President Nicolas Sarkozy were on an official trip to Spain. Vivre le vagin! According to Daily Mail:

On Sunday night thieves broke into the flat of actor Julien Enthoven, who is [Carla's former lover] Raphael Enthoven’s younger brother. Raphael entrusted the pictures to his brother because he did not want them to embarrass his new partner or Mr. Sarkozy, said a detective working on the case.

‘The thieves appeared to know exactly what they were looking for – taking highly intimate prints, a camera full of further images, videos, and numerous computer files,’ said the source. ‘Nothing else was taken.’

Police now fear that thieves could take advantage of Miss Bruni’s status as an international sex symbol by selling the pictures for hundreds of thousands of pounds, [or] they could be posted on the web so as to cause maximum embarrassment to Mr. Sarkozy.

The only problem with that plan is everybody has already seen Carla Bruni naked. Granted, maybe no one’s seen her on all fours with a ball gag in her mouth begging for cheese and crackers, something which could potentially be on the tapes, but really, aren’t there more important celebrities you’d rather fantasize about? Like Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie and me. Come on, ladies. I’m available.

Rumors that there was a sex tape starring Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband Peter Cook boning a then 18-year old Diana Bianchi were confirmed yesterday. Page Six says:

[The Peter Cook sex tape] does exist. We were shown a series of stills from a video depicting Cook and Bianchi, both nude, having sexual intercourse on a brown love seat. They also show Bianchi performing a striptease… as Cook holds his crotch.

I’d wager the only time Peter Cook isn’t holding his crotch is when he has to use his jerk-off hand to write up another confidentiality agreement. I swear, that guy makes L’il Wayne look like a fucking amateur in the dick-grabbing department.

Thanks to a couple of well-placed surveillance cameras, actor Josh Hartnett is the unwitting star of a SoHo hotel sex tape. MSNBC says:

Josh and his female companion entered what they believed was a secluded area of the hotel, a little-used library, and drew the curtains before getting cozy.

“Josh and the girl were getting pretty hot and heavy,” said the source who watched to actor’s actions on the hotel’s monitor. “Unfortunately the hotel has security cameras all over the place — the library included.” Several members of the hotel staff huddled around the monitor, but the source said, “No one quite knew where to look and there was a very awkward silence.”

No one knew where to look? Was the hotel doubling as the headquarters for the Jehovah’s Witnesses or something? The only time your eyes would even need to leave the screen is if you zipper gets caught in your underpants or to find the pause/rewind button for the good parts. Everybody knows “masturbation” and “work” go together like “peas” and “restraining orders!”

Because the power of Christ compels me: Mini-Me has a sex tape. TMZ says:

Yes, that’s Mini-Me Verne Troyer in a sex tape shot with his former live-in girlfriend at the couple’s apartment. Dealer Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris’ video, is entertaining a $100k offer from SugarDVD to distribute the nastiness.

They better call this shit “Mini-In-Me” or I’m going to be pissed! Even Caligula and the donkey in the Tiajuana sex show would have been sickened by this.

Click here to watch the “short” clip and try not to bust a nut all over your keyboard.