Pamela Anderson has been looking truly tired lately. The fact that she puts on makeup with a makeup gun doesn’t help either. Not even fairy tales could capture the horror of Pamela Anderson’s face. That’s all changed, sort of.

Here’s Pamela Anderson grocery shopping in Malibu yesterday with what looks like a noticeable baby bump. Frankly, I’m surprised she has a functioning uterus.

Pamela Anderson showed up at fashion photographer David LaChapelle’s ‘Jesus Is My Homeboy’ art exhibition over the weekend with the dewy complexion of a recently-unearthed potato and enough makeup to repaint the Sistine Chapel. Oh, and did I mention she wasn’t wearing any pants? According to the Daily Mail:

The former Baywatch star caused a stir when she arrived at one of the most important art exhibitions in the U.S., Art Basel Miami Beach, wearing a pair of orange and black patterned underpants.

Anderson at least covered the top half of her modesty, with a grey off-the-shoulder t-shirt. Anderson enjoyed playing up to the cameras as she seductively bent over paintings, with her bottom and pink high heels in the air.

That just goes to show you that what you see in cartoons don’t always translate to real life. Sure, the whole “no pants” thing works for Donald Duck and Squidward, but experience has taught me that it doesn’t fly in the work place or while loitering outside the schoolyard. You also might want to pass on “swapping cigars with TNT” and “dressing up as a sexy girl rabbit to fool your captors.” Believe me, there are just some things from which the human mouth never recovers.

Pamela Anderson showed up at the Vivienne Westwood fashion show in London in a cut-to-there dress, proving once again that she’s still got it. “It” of course is “the scabrous complexion of a truck stop hooker with HIV.” Lot lizards everywhere must be so invidious!

I recently read that Pamela Anderson banned close-up shots of her face while filming her reality show “Pam: Girl on the Loose.” Judging from these photos, I can’t see how that could ever possibly be true. However, old girl needs to soak in a hot bath of Oxiclean, Pine-Sol, paint remover and Lime-A-Way. I know experts tell you not to mix chemicals, but Pamela’s case is an emergency!

Jessica Simpson upset Pammi and all her vegetarian chums by wearing a T-shirt proclaiming: “Real girls eat meat.”

But now Pammi has hit back with a spectacular insult:

“I think she is a bitch and whore. Actually, I don’t know if she was talking about food or men.”

Obviously, Pamela has never looked in the mirror and has never googled her whorey bitch ass!

There’s really only one way to settle this new feud: Plastic hooker fight!

Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are back together and giving their love another shit (typo, but keeping it). They probably didn’t have a choice… The Centers for Disease Control probably banned them from having sex with anyone else with the exception of each other.

Tommy told Rolling Stone:

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together.”

They’ve both fucked everyone else in Hollywood, what’s left to fuck?

Pamela Anderson has ended speculation that her rushed wedding to Rick Salomon was due to a secret pregnancy. People reports:

Please tell everybody – categorically I am not pregnant,” Anderson told Las Vegas celebrity blogger Robin Leach. “It’s just not true,” the mother of two added to Leach, who interviewed her at a party Wednesday night for airline magnate Richard Branson. “I would tell you if it was.” To underscore it, at the party Anderson was “celebrating her marriage last weekend with bottles of expensive Cristal champagne,” Leach writes. On her own Web site, Anderson offered a less precise denial – and suggested new beau Rick Salomon is a little sensitive about the media attention. “So funny,” she writes. “I don’t normally look at press but Rick does sometimes. And so much nonsense. Don’t believe what you read. Esp about people (sic) personal business.”

I’d like to see Pamela Anderson disprove more theories with booze.

Tommy Lee is buying a luxury Dubai Island for ex-wife Pamela Anderson. Tommy is hoping he and Pammie – who have been divorced for nine years – can spend time there with their two sons.

Dubai has been recently attracting many high profile celebrities. There was recent news of Victoria Beckham and David Beckham buying property there.

Pam Anderson’s body is all party… gorgeous legs, toned arms and of course her trademark boobs. But her face is nothing but the business of aging. Her face is paying the price for years of sun worship, a stormy marriage to a rock star and raising two boys.

Pam is often singled out as the best LA mom around. So good for her!