Fact: If you find yourself eyeballing a testicle less than two feet from your face and you’re not a urologist, you’re a gay. If that testicle happens to be squashed out of the side of a leather banana hammock by a guy in a cowboy hat standing over a man in a dress, you should go ahead and invest in a mushroom brush and a Bowflex and learn the difference between wainscoting and boiserie.

Here’s Mickey Rourke enjoying karaoke night at Rokbar in South Beach.

Here’s Mickey Rourke outside his trailer while shooting some movie in New Jersey. I think his skin is falling off, because it can’t deal with his fugness anymore. And what the hell is going on with that hair? Did he go through a Tyra Banks “America’s Next Top Model” makeover? I think he did.

Mickey Rourke was busted for DUI in Miami yesterday. He was riding a baby blue Vespa.

Mickey and a chick got on his scooter after partying at Mansion. Mickey made a u-turn, cutting off a cop.

The Palm Beach Post reports:

“They came back out two hours later and crossed Washington Avenue to go to his scooter,” Montana said. “They both got on it, and he did a U-turn to go north. He was pulled over within a block.

“The cop says to him: ‘You swerved right in front of me.’ And Mickey answered: ‘No, no, dude, I’m all right.’”

Actually, according to the arrest report, Rourke also let out a four-letter bomb when he was stopped. Cops say the actor had a flushed face and bloodshot and watery eyes and that his speech was slurred.

“I’m not drunk, I didn’t even drink that much,” Rourke said, according to the report.

He’s currently in jail on $1,000 bond.

That’s Mickey Rourke? He’s uglier than me and that’s saying a lot! Maybe I shouldn’t have ruled out a career in the movies. What happened with that guy? He is so… old and … I don’t know, he looks like an alcoholic… Anyway, at least he had his mustache at its best for the mug shot. God dam he looks pitiful!