Holy crap. When did Mary-Kate Olsen start taking fashion cues from Ozzy Osbourne? This stupid ass Mary-Kate Olsen troll is trying to look as elderly as possible when she should be dressing all slutty while she can get away with it. Bitch probably smells like moth balls, cat piss and White Shoulders dusting powder. Her pockets are probably filled with caramel square wrappers. You really just want to help her memaw ass across the street. She’ll thank you by giving you a nickle.

The National Enquirer via The Post Chronicle alleges that Mary-Kate Olsen could be with child. They say her weight shooting up to 102lbs is a clear indication.

“Mary-Kate has been looking a lot rounder recently. It is good she has put on weight, because she previously suffered from anorexia, but a lot of people think she could actually be attempting to hide her pregnancy.”

She apparently weighs 102lbs now. Yes, 102. What a fucking lard ass, right? If she weighs 102, she’s obviously pregnant with 4 baby elephants. Or maybe she drank too much of her own saliva? Either or.

Ashley Olsen and Mary-Kate are reportedly fighting over whether or not to have breast enlargements. Mary-Kate doesn’t want to because she’s into that waifish look and thinks clothes look better with less cleavage. Ashley, on the other hand, wants tits. Star writes:

“Ashley is considering getting her boobs done because she wants to look more voluptuous,” says one source. “And she told Mary-Kate that she wanted her to get one at the same time so that it wouldn’t be glaringly obvious that Ashley had work done. That way, they could say that they had just both matured and were filling out naturally.

Ashley, go for it. Get yourself a nice set of double Ds and an ass implant. We’ll all play along and pretend that you filled out at 22 years-of-age, trust me. You deserve to reward yourself with a female body just for the year you’re having, since it was your sister Mary Kate and not you who killed the Joker. All you did was let Lance Armstrong ride you like a swing, which technically isn’t illegal but it is certainly disturbing. So you get the implants and your sister can use her part of the tits money to buy some paddles for the guest room.

The sneaky troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen has the right idea. Why bother getting dressed anymore? Fuck, why bother washing your hair? Life would be so much easier if we all just rolled out of bed, put on some nasty chanklas, ate a bowl of liver spots and then headed out the door.

Video footage of Mary-Kate Olsen being carried to her car and then tumbling out of the backseat after partying in L.A. Thursday night has sparked rumors that The Thinspiration will be taking another sabbatical in rehab. According to Full Disclosure

Olsen went to rehab in Utah in 2004 for an eating disorder amid rumors that she was also being treated for substance abuse. Now friends say she is out of control again.

“She refused to talk to Elle magazine about her involvement with Heath Ledger [and it] has brought the whole thing up in the press again and she has been depressed all over,” one pal tells us.

Boy, I wish I could make a living out of drinking my body weight and passing out on the street. Of course, for Mary-Kate, drinking her body weight translates to three Mojito and a White Russians if she’s retaining water, but still.

I think The Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala is my favorite of all the celebrity fashion events. All the outfits are always really fun and colorful, and there’s no pretense of having some boring awards ceremony getting in the way like at the stupid Oscars or something. Yawn. Anyway, going by this logic you know who else loves the Costume Institute Gala? That’s right, the Olsen twins! Since they don’t actually do anything but show up to dress up events anymore, this gala is pretty much the top of their existences. As you can see, Mary Kate dressed to the occasion with her best glossy gold 70’s muumuu; and Ashley used it as an excuse to show off her smoking preteen body in this slinky black number with sex-tegically placed cuts.

Ever wonder if Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have to sit around and try to think up new ways of being creepy, or that they’re just so good at it that it comes natural? This past weekend, the twins attended the wedding of stylist Estee Stanley wearing these freakish masks. Naturally. What, you were expecting a delicate touch of Baby’s Breath in their hair?

You know it’s only a matter of time before the two of them hole up into some Whatever Happened to Baby Jane mansion, and years later cops find that one of them had been dead for about a decade after discovering the mummified remains still wearing a giant pair of sunglasses and a burnt out Marlboro Red clutched between its corpsey lips.

According to Star Magazine, Hugh Hefner would like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to pose nude in Playboy.

After striking out when the twins turned 18, Hugh tried again, hoping they would pose for Playboy’s June issue to mark their 22nd birthday.

“Hef thinks the twins are every young man’s fantasy,” an insider tells Star.

Unfortunately, it’s not their dream. “They’re all about high-end fashion these days,” says the insider. “They want to do Vogue.” Besides, the twins aren’t getting along right now, adds the source. “Ashley is jealous because Mary-Kate is getting all the acting roles.”

God knows I love a good train wreck, but even this is too disturbing for me to stomach.

Mary Kate Olsen & Ashley Olsen are frigging terrifying! I don’t care how much everyone tries to convince me the Olsen Twins are some kind of fashion icons, because this looks like something out of a Japanese horror remake. God damn it. I’m going to have worse nightmares tonight than when I watched The Ring.

Here’s Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen at Chanel Fashion Show in Paris.

Mary-Kate Olsen and the unfortunate dead animal wrapped around her body hit up NYC’s West Village for lunch Saturday.

It does look like she slaughtered a few calico cats for that terrible getup. Blech. Poor kitties!

BTW, if I was rich and famous and never had to work a day in my life (like the Olsen twins), I think I’d find time to wash my hair. Call me crazy but I wonder if that coat smells bad…