I like when women wear their bag straps across their chest, it really highlights the front end, but it’s always better when it’s a little chilly and you can see just a hint of nipple. But in Lisa Rinna’s case it scares the shit out of me, those are some gigantic fucking nipples, they’re like a couple of golf balls under there. She must have had them enlarged to match her big fake tits, I’m a little freaked out, in a good way of course.

So here she is at the signing of Rinnavation, which was titled as such because there’s a rule that celebrity biographies have to have a bad pun using the celebrity’s name or some other pertinent fact about the celebrity in the title. It doesn’t even have to make sense. I’m telling you, if they didn’t work backwards from the title on this one then that bitch’s face is real.

Entertainment Tonight asked celebrities about the biggest letdown of the year and somehow Lisa Rinna manged to get her say in. Her whole family has had it except her, she claims.

“I believe we all, except for myself, had the swine flu at our house,” Lisa tells ET about her ill family. “How do you know it’s the swine flu? I don’t know but we had all the symptoms.”

“We had it before it came out. …We had it at our house, I believe, and everyone is fine,” the actress explained to ET at the LG Rumorous Night with Heidi Klum event on Tuesday.

We had it before it came out? Is she tickling our asses? Isn’t Lisa kind of admitting that she’s the cause of it all? Everyone had except for Lisa, because she IS the swine flu. I mean, it makes sense. Her lips look like the swollen anal glands of a pot-bellied pig. Except these swollen anal glands still manage to push out caca nuggets. Yes, I do believe Lisa Rinna is the swine flu. Quarantine the bitch!

Evidenced by these pictures, Lisa Rinna was in the original Melrose Place and would very much like to be in the remake. A remake that has cast Ashlee Simpson and Katie Cassidy as the main characters, but has already lost Heather Locklear due to her not being convinced writers could justify her character.

Anyway, this is pathetic. Lisa might as well have changed the wording on the sign to read, “My dignity, have you seen it?” and danced in front of an empty hat where passersby could donate their unwanted change.

Lisa Rinna has finally admitted to herself that in her quest to make her lips look like a giant labia, she might have gone overboard with the lip filler Juvederm. She tells In Touch Weekly:

“We all know everyone does it! We go on Jenny Craig and do all these things to change ourselves, so why can’t we get a little filler?”

But while a little is one thing, Lisa admits she recently overdid it. “I saw a picture of myself and thought, ‘Uh-oh,’” admits Lisa. “You have to be careful. I’m a perfect example of that!”

What she SHOULD have said is “Oh, God, NOOOOOOOO!” before smashing every mirror in the house and using the broken pieces to hack away at her sausage lips in front of her terrified children and housekeeper. You gotta make it mean something, Lisa. Otherwise, people will never understand the dangers of Juvederm addiction.

Here are some pics of Mrs. Big Lips Lisa Rinna out and about wearing a little dress that shows off her fake funbags. You know, for a woman who looks like a genetic freak, I get somewhat turned on by this broad. I know I shouldn’t and everything in my brain tells me not to, but unfortunately it has no control over my body. Yes, I’m sick.

Lisa Rinna frolicked in the waves on the beach in Malibu, and why wouldn’t she? Her whole fucking life is basically a vacation. It’s one of the many perks of playing pretend for a living, besides the money and the sense of entitlement. Not that I’m sour or anything. See, I have my own ways of escaping reality. They’re called “World of Warcraft”. Lisa Rinna can suck it!

Lisa Rinna and her lips made an appearance on Regis & Kelly this morning. She was spotted outside with husband, Harry Hamlin. The two are currently starring on Broadway together in “Chicago.” Harry is looking old. She looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy except more plastics.

Another thing. I am so sick of these celebrities flashing the damn peace sign everywhere. What happened to the middle finger? They use that one quite a bit…actually just Avril and Britney do, but still.