Lily Allen poses topless for the October issue of GQ UK, and based on her inability to wear a bra, I can only assume Lily was molested by a Victoria’s Secret mannequin as a small child.

Holy hell Lily! What did you snort – or smoke?! Just look at those geeked out eyes!

These pics remind me of those “Faces of Meth” posters. Eyes bugging out, pale skin, zombie-like expression . . .

Lily Allen is shrewd. She has a little bit of a belly but you don’t even notice it because her tits are on full display. More women should follow her example, specifically those fatties with 1% body fat and over.

Lily Allen updated her Twitter feed this morning to show off the new “Shhh…” finger tat that Lindsay Lohan went with her to get in West Hollywood. No word on if this was a tribute to Rihanna who has almost the same tattoo.

I don’t wanna call Lily a copycat because it looks more like a “bhhh”, which makes even less sense.

Lily Allen partied at Bungalow 8 in this delightful little… uh, ensemble Saturday night. What the hell are you supposed call that? A bib-crotch? A onesie? I’m going with “Little Ho Peep” meets “Popeye the Sailor Man” because “donkey dickery” just doesn’t do it justice.

Lily Allen recently opened up (pun intended) about her lesbian three-way with identical twins. She told the Gay Times:

“I did once snog identical twins in San Diego. I was on the sofa and I had them both. I was dancing and shoving my ass on one of them. That’s the only time, but I have lesbian dreams a lot.”

She might have called it a “three-way lesbian romp with twins,” but I have another name for it: incest. Sometimes I have dreams that Lily Allen stops talking and just makes music. It’s just a dream, though.

Lily Allen was out getting wasted in London last night with a bunch of bitches, when some French ho tried to kill her buzz by calling her a bunch of names. Lily and her friends left a club and were trying to find their car when the French ho called her a “fucking asshole.” Lily, being the lady that she is, responded with, “Yeah, come and say that to my face you fucking cunt!” Nice use of the “cunt word.” 10 points for Lily! The Daily Mail says:

Lily reacted after being heckled as she left Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club at 2am. With a short reach, the punch appeared to fail to connect. The singer’s friends managed to restrain Lily, persuading her to get into a car. Lily’s target appeared to laugh off the attack, looking more bemused than terrified.

I always imagined getting hit by drunken chubby girl fists would feel like being pummeled by two giant marshmallows. Two sweaty, out-of-breath marshmallows that smell like donuts and shame. Frankly, I’ve seen better right hooks crocheting a sweater. Lily Allen ain’t got nothin’ on my grandma.

Here’s a few more of Lily making a fool of herself by trying to punch the French hyena. The Sun also has video of the incident. Oh and some of these pictures have a little nipple action in them.

How can you not love Lily Allen? She purposely pulled down her shirt to expose her nipple. I guess she’s starving for attention. I miss the pink hair, but now I can see her tits. I consider this an acceptable substitution.

The Cannes Film Festival begins this week, and Lily Allen is there for some reason. I think this chick is awesome even though she’s 40 pounds overweight and I hate her stupid blond hair. Her nipples and her hair don’t match. At all!

Lily Allen makes a cute blonde, who would’ve thunk it? This weekend she was spotted showing off her newly lightened locks in London. According to sources, Allen decided on the color change under the advice of Kate Moss (who would’ve thunk that?).

“Lily was asking Kate what color she should dye her hair and they came up with blonde,” an insider told Daily Mail.

I had no idea Allen and Moss were chummy these days and I never really thought she looked like Porky Pig, but the blonde definitely brings out the snout in her face. Hopefully, this is just a phase…