Hey girls, do you remember when you were younger and you got bored and you totally cut off all the hair of your Barbie doll? Well when I saw Kelly Osbourne with her new hairstyle, it reminded me of what that Barbie doll looked like after that haircut. And Kelly made it even easier for me to remember because her makeup looks like the stuff I drew on that same Barbie doll’s face with red and black felt pens.

Kelly Osbourne turned herself in to the police. She was charged with “common assault relating to an alleged incident in Soho in the early hours of August 29, 2008.” Kelly supposedly slapped Zoe Griffin at Punk nightclub because she made fun of her fiancé, Luke Worrall, for not knowing what an earthquake was. Hint: It’s what Kelly sets off every times she rolls out of bed. Kelly told Zoe:

“I have an issue with you. My boyfriend knows what an earthquake is and everyone has been laughing at him and he’s upset.”

Kelly was released on bail and has a court date in March. Until then, she will continue lumbering around London casually terrorizing residents like the pasty white dog-eating monster that she is.

Check this out: NineMSN says,

Big-mouthed Kelly Osbourne couldn’t help firing out a round of verbal abuse towards fellow guests at New York Fashion week, lashing out the ‘fake’ friendship of Victoria Beckham and Jennifer Lopez.
“I know it’s not my place to say… but I’ve never seen two people pretend to like each other more in my life. They were holding hands, but it looked like Victoria was holding a s***ty bit of toilet paper,” she confided, not very subtly, to Heat magazine.

BOO-YAH! That had to be the highlight of the show amidst all the air-kissing and pretentious clothing. High five, Kelly!

Kelly Osbourne debuted a new shiner this week. Photographers snapped Kelly leaving her London apartment with a huge black eye and a bandage over her temple. A faulty cupboard is to blame for Kelly Osbourne’s jacked up eye. Kelly was at home with a “stomach bug” (aka mega diarrhea) when she went to grab a glass from her kitchen cupboard. The bitch must be strong because the entire cabinet came crashing down on her, cutting her temple and busting up her eye. I fucking bet you that cupboard came from Ikea and Ozzy Osbourne installed it.

Her spokesman Gary Farrow said:

“She was suffering from a stomach upset all weekend, which meant she couldn’t go out anywhere, and then this happened. She is fine now, though.”

Here’s more of busted up Kelly with her pretty boyfriend on their way to the doctor’s office.

Kelly Osbourne stumbling home last night after partying at the Mahiki Club in London. She walked across the street to her house and walked into a wall. Been there, done that. At least she got into her house. Kudos for not driving, Kelly!

Bitch is drunk! That’s the worst kind of drunk, when your mouth dries up and your eyeballs won’t focus and you start sweating. Eww.
Here’s Kelly being escorted out of Punk nightclub in London. She had been partying with her friend Kate Moss and Kate’s guy Jamie Hince of the Kills.

Seriously man, this club must be hot. I imagine people fall over themselves to party with a washed up model and her fat drunk friend. I would drink with these two slags in a heartbeat. Not Kelly’s mom though, because that woman would stab ya as soon as she looks at ya. She sends shit in the mail!

Proving herself yet again as one of the dumbest people on Earth, Paris Hilton engaged in a charming conversation with Kelly Osbourne about how she introduced Kelly to booze.

On the way out of Noir in Vegas last weekend, Kelly told Paris and some pals, “[Paris] gave me my first alcohol poisoning!” to which the billionheiress laughingly responded, “I did?! That’s hot.”

Paris was probably shocked, because I’m sure that’s a first for her. She’s probably used to people saying, “Paris gave me my first STD!”

When Sharon Osbourne was spotted in tears after Kelly Osbourne’s “Chicago” opening night as Mama Marton in London, many thought she was crying tears of joy for Kelly. It looks like the tears were actually for another bitch, Minnie. Just hours before Kelly’s performance Sharon found out her main pooch, Minnie, had pneumonia.

A source said, “Sharon felt that after being told Minnie is on her last legs, she should return the favour and stay by Minnie’s side.

“But of course she couldn’t miss Kelly’s stage debut and in the end, torn though she was, Sharon soldiered on and went to the theatre. It was only when she got there and saw Kelly, that the stress and emotion of the past 24 hours overcame her and she burst into tears.”

This is so ridiculous it’s funny. I love the Daily Mail so much! The shit they put together, I swear!

And I don’t know what the hell Kelly does to her skin, but it looks like porcelain.

Kelly Osbourne has been confirmed to make her West End theatre debut in “Chicago” as Mama Morton. 22-year-old Kelly will start performances on September 10th.

Kelly has lost a little weight for the role, but what weight she hasn’t lost Photoshop has taken care of. They even airbrushed out her tattoos. Fancy that. Below is a picture of Kelly in June with more Chicago ads.

Yeah, she looks good, but she’s also probably hardly breathing from being packed into that corset!