George Clooney’s new girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis has the kind of body that makes grown men weep like a baby. Presumably so they can use their own tears as lubricant while they’re jerking off in front of a computer.

If any of you ladies out there had to change your underpants after viewing these photos of George Clooney, don’t worry, it’s a perfectly natural reaction. For anyone whose turn-ons include “men who smoke pipes” and “men who smoke pipes while wearing smoking jackets and drinking brandy out of elaborate crystal decanters,” anyway.

Silver-haired rake George Clooney has once again found his way back to ex-girlfriend Krista Allen of “Baywatch” and “Emmanuelle” fame. My guess is that his penis led the way. For those of you counting, this would be their third attempt in less than six years. According to Rush and Molloy:

“George and Krista dated for close to two years, till Allen broke it off in March 2004. He moved on to model Lisa Snowden, but then he and Krista tried again in 2006. After that, he dated Sarah Larson, cocktail waitress and “Fear Factor” winner, for most of a year. Throughout, says a friend, “Krista has always been there for him. She admits she just can’t get over him.” And something about Krista brings him back. “George really loves her,” says the source. A relationship with Krista, 37, would mean a ready-made family for George, 47, who once vowed that he wouldn’t remarry or have children by the time he was 50. Krista has an 11-year-old son, Jake, with production manager Justin Moritt. But it may not be an issue. Says the source, “George adores Krista’s son.”

Krista Allen has been hot forever, George Clooney looks like he’d still be getting choice vagina even if he wasn’t “George Clooney,” and they seem to have some sort of connection, so I really have nothing bad to say. Unless of course you’re counting what I’ve been saying about that shirt you keep wearing. Dude, seriously. Fubu? What’s up with that?

These are naked and NSFW:

George Clooney seemed almost bemused when a female fan waddled in front of his bike while on a ride through Portofino, Italy today. He didn’t stop, of course, because she’s unattractive. I do the same thing. If he was a real biker he would’ve punched her in the ovaries. George missed out on extra points hitting her. I get 50 points for pets, 100 for the elderly, 500 for kids, and 1,000 for fatties.

George Clooney’s yacht stands an impressive 175 feet long and regularly makes stops along the French Riviera.

Pictured: Cindy Crawford topless in Italy with her husband and George Clooney.

Not pictured: The threesome you had with your hand and a Fleshlight last night.

After dating for nearly a year, George Clooney and Sarah Larson are calling it quits. Before dating Clooney, Larson was most famous for being a slutty Vegas cocktail waitress who loves licking magazines. An insider revealed to In Touch Weekly:

“George is relieved to be single again. He thinks Sarah is sweet and that is why it was so hard to break up with her. The truth is they had little in common and he just doesn’t want to be tied down.”

Oh, I’m sure Georgie loves to be tied down. Tied down, gagged and stuffed. Just not by her.

George’s rep only said:

“I can only confirm that we have never commented on George’s personal life.” And I can only confirm that Georgie’s rep is a smart ass!

Sarah done fucked up! Bitch was supposed to follow my detailed instructions. All she had to do was get knocked up! Shit, she could have even lied to him and said she was carrying his child! Go out and get pregnant by the local homeless man and pass the baby off as George’s. Pull some scandalous shit to secure your future!

In an interview in this week’s New Yorker, George Clooney says he hired his driver, a policeman, to track a mysterious caller who left a voicemail at his house, telling him to dump Sarah Larson. Page Six says:

On the voice mail, which Clooney plays to the mag’s Ian Parker in front of Larson for the first time, a calm, middle-age male voice is heard saying: “Dude, your friends asked me to give you a message: Dump the bitch before you’re sorry!” ‘”Before you’re sorry’?” a surprised Larson parrots, before launching into a diatribe about how she’s been raked over the coals in endless gossip over her relationship with Clooney. “They say that I’m a stripper. There’s a ton of stuff about that. I’ve never been a stripper. You know, just because I’m from Las Vegas, I must be a stripper. Because I’m a cocktail server, that means I’m an escort.”

Meanwhile, Larson’s ex-boyfriend, Tommy McKaughan, says Larson is always naked. He tells The Sun:

Sarah’s a total hippy at heart, heavily into all the spiritual, mystic stuff – crystals, tarot cards, healing. “And along with her witch-like charms she’s a brilliant fun girl with NO inhibitions. She loves nothing more than getting NAKED in a forest. “Some of our wildest nights were out in the woods romping in the grass and under canvas.” “Some of my favorite memories are of walking into Sarah’s cramped bedroom and finding her naked, surrounded by candles. “She’d tell me to lie on the bed as she mixed together all manner of oils and then slowly rub them all over me.”

I think the only question at this point is, does George Clooney still have to pay in cash? I hope not, because they seem so close.

What happened to Renee Zellweger’s discolored ass face? They erased it away thanks to the magic of Photoshop. They should have photoshopped her better looking dress. Renee and George Clooney are o’s December issue for “Leatherheads.”

Didn’t they date back in the day? Weird.

By the looks of him, George is aging quickly…I wish he would hurry up and come out…It’s ashamed he has spent so much of his life pretending to be heterosexual…and on that note, Renee looks a lot better with this pre-adolescent boy look.

George Clooney must be straight. Look at the man bag. Wait! Maybe that bag goes with the beard.

I’m not sure how I feel about the man bag. I mean what does Georgie need to carry? He probably have the mobile phone right next to the Tampax.

Georgie, first rule of fashion: your bag should match your shoes! And go with something a little more pretty and delicate like you.

As soon as George and Brad finally get together and share their love, they will both put on some weight and get a little colour on their faces. Don’t deny the love!

Here’s George leaving his hotel in NYC today holding on to his boo-boo.

“Clooney and Larson were traveling north and sped up to pass on the right of a 1999 Mazda Millenia that was preparing to make a right turn.”

Although there’s apparently some question as to whether the Millenia was looking to go right or left, there’s no dispute that passing on the right, as it is pretty much everywhere with left-hand drive cars, is a no-no.

“The car signaled left. George was riding to the right. The driver decided to make an abrupt right turn and clipped George…”

Or not — what does “riding to the right” mean? Whatever — fear not though, because we’re hearing the movie he’s filming with Brad Pitt in Jersey is not “Oceans 14″ and unfortunately, it’s expected to be right on schedule.