Paris Hilton has finally dumped Benji Madden after nine long herpetic months together. Us Weekly quotes a source as saying

“Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends. Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.

Benji really respected her. They will be friends forever.”

He really “respected” her? Well, that’s your problem right there. Most guys usually just infected her. Those extra couple of letters really make all the difference in the world.

Paris Hilton, tired of her sham relationship with Benji Madden or just tired of Benji Madden in general, was reunited with ex-boyfriend Stavros Niachros at Miami nightclub Mokai on Saturday night. An eye witness says the heiress arrived at 2:30 AM and that the two “were all over each other. They were at the same table for about an hour and then they left together. It didn’t seem like Benji was on her mind at all!” Benji, blissfully unaware, was with his brother to take part in the last episode of TRL the next day.

I sure hope Benji isn’t upset Paris ran into one of her exes. That bitch would have to travel to the deepest jungles of Borneo to find a guy that hadn’t banged her before . . . or the Castro District in San Francisco. If Paris did hook up with Stavros, Benji shouldn’t be too surprised. Confucius used to explain it best when he said, “Girl who like anal, always end up with Greek”.

I suppose it comes in handy, though. Not only does he get to proclaim to the world that he’s dating Napalm Vagina, but it’s a friendly reminder to check the daily pH levels of said vagina. Because you never know – dealing with an STD cocktail like that – when it’s going to be, you know, corrosive to the wang. It’s the perfect combination of fashion and function!

Paris Hilton flashed a huge diamond ring on her left ring finger Friday night in Las Vegas. The heiress was in town for the Kim Vo Salon and Spa grand opening at The Mirage, and used the opportunity to start a few rumors that she might be engaged to new boyfriend Benji Madden.

Take note that her “engagement ring” featured Benji’s initials, BM. Very classy. I think the BM stands for “bowel movement” which makes sense since every time I see Paris Hilton’s face I feel the uncontrollable urge to take a dump.

I simply just know who Sophie Monk is – she might be the one in those sex tapes I have labeled “sex with Soohie Monk” – so her getting bare ass naked was an awesome idea to get my attention. The Sun UK has gotten some footage of her in the movie “Sex and Death 101″. Sophie is almost certainly best known as “… um, who?” or as Benji Madden’s girlfriend. Benji Madden, of course, is best known for being Sophie Monk’s boyfriend, so stand back, or else the burning star power of this story might singe your fingers.