Anne Heche and boyfriend James Tupper are expecting their first child together. According to Us Weekly:

Anne Heche and her beau, actor James Tupper, are expecting their first child together. “They are thrilled,” her rep tells Us. The two first met in 2006 on the set of their short-lived ABC drama Men In Trees while Heche was still wed to husband Coley Laffoon.

Let’s do the math, shall we? Anne Heche herself admitted that she was batshit insane for the first thirty years of her life. She still claims to have an alter ego (the daughter of God and half-sibling of Jesus mentioned earlier) named “Celestia” who regularly chats with outer space aliens. And don’t let’s forget that Anne also reportedly contracted herpes from her sexually-abusive gay father. Given that information, what are the mathematical odds that their baby won’t end up a gender-confused closet-cutting alcoholic?

Last June, the estranged husband of Anne Heche, Coley Laffoon, was awarded primary physical custody of the couple’s then five year old son, Homer, after Heche decided to bang her co-star in the now canceled show, Men In Trees. He was also awarded $14,798 in monthly support. Because nobody wants to hire Anne Heche, the actress says she can no longer afford the payments. People says:

I am continuing to look for work, but I have no offers pending and the impending strike by the Screen Actors Guild reduces my prospects for work even further,” Heche, 38, writes in court papers…In a court declaration, Heche indicated her financial straits were dire and that she can no longer afford to pay the $14,798 in monthly support, along with private school tuition for her 6-year-old son Homer, the mortgage on her house in Canada where Men In Trees filmed, rent on her Los Angeles home and car expenses. “Since January 18, 2008, I have been unemployed and had no income from employment except for one very short-term contract for a movie role for which I received a total of $65,000, approximately the amount I received for one episode of Men In Trees, she writes.”

Hmm. That’s a tough one – all those trips to planet Loony are costly.

Wait, I have an idea! Send your kid to public school, sell your house in Canada, rent a an inexpensive apartment in Los Angeles and take the bus. Problem solved.

The actress, who dated Ellen DeGeneres during her “yeah I’m totally into women since I can’t land an A-list man” discourage, has left her husband Coley Laffoon, a cameraman. The two met, paradoxically, while working on a documentary about Ellen’s return to stand-up comedy. They have one son together, which they opted to name Homer — you know, so that he’ll get beat up a lot.

Why the split? Rumor has it that Anne has fallen for her “Men in Trees” co-star, James Tupper, who has — of course — a wife and child. There should really be an “Anne Heche Ruined My Life” support group. And Anne Heche should attend meetings regularly.

I’d feel pretty bad if I were Anne’s legal representative right about now. The only thing I can think of in her defense is that she has really well… hair?