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Hold on to your breakfast, boys and girls — there’s a Madonna and Alex Rodriguez sex tape out there, just waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting public by the highest bidder. According to the anonymous dude trying to sell it, the footage was secretly shot two months ago in an apartment owned by Madonna’s friend. From UK tabloid Daily Star:

The video man – who is also a friend of the apartment owner – claimed he found out and secretly installed a hidden camera in the living room with the lens pointed at the sofa. He alleged the footage he recorded showed the pop superstar romping with New York Yankees ace A-Rod.

But legal experts say if his claims are true the lensman could face prosecution for voyeurism and burglary. One said: “If footage was obtained in this way it would be an outrageous invasion of privacy. But more than that he would not have had his friend’s consent to install the camera and must have entered the apartment without approval to hide it. That is burglary. He would be prima facie guilty of voyeurism. Instead of making a million he’d be going to jail for a few years. Even if the video existed it would probably be seized by the courts.”

The fact that Madonna has a sex tape isn’t shocking. The fact that she has a sex tape that doesn’t involve animals, the entire Oakland Raiders football team, and a gynecologist’s chair is.

NSFW Madonna in her Sex book because the video footage isn’t available yet:

Alex Rodriguez’ wife Cynthia announced that she is filing for divorce first thing this morning, citing the Yankee star’s relationship with Madonna as “the final straw.” Cynthia claims that Madonna used her religion to exude some kind of mind control over A-Rod. According to the NY Daily News

“This all started with kabbalah,” said the friend. “Alex told Cynthia that he’d discovered that he’d been looking for his soul mate. And now, he said, he’d found her.”

Cynthia Rodriguez told a friend, “I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him. I don’t recognize the man he’s become. He was a sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he’s very cold and calculating.”

Madonna issued the following statement in response:

“I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study. I have learned over the years not to take accusations and the many false reports about me very seriously. I also appreciate how fiction and fact seem to be perceived as one and the same by people who read both newspapers and the internet.”

It’s not the power of Kabbalah that’s brainwashed A-Rod, it’s the power of the poontang. Unfortunately for Cynthia, she never had a chance competing with Madonna in that department since Madge’s screwed more Latino men than La Migra. But perhaps this is all just a big misunderstanding. The “Material Girl” is probably just dating A-Rod because she’s looking for more genetic material.

The other day it was rumoured that Alex Rodriguez was seeing Madonna but her rep has said that they are just friends. And today several sources have reported that it is A-Rod who is the one being cheated on.

Radar claims that A-Rod’s wife is doing it with Lenny Kravitz. Lenny reportedly did it with Madonna in the early 90s. SLUTS! All of them! A bunch of buff sluts! They probably do each other with barbells.

According to the NY Post, A-Rod’s man-wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, is currently in Paris and has been seen at Lenny’s house a few times. Cynthia barely popped out her second child with A-Rod in April. She left the kids at home in Florida while she went to wave her muscley vagina around Paris.

Could this situation get any more convoluted? All we need to do is add Verne Troyer and oh, I don’t know, maybe Amy Winehouse, into the mix and then we can call it a party!