Britney Spears is back together with her paparazzi boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib! It’s like Romeo and Juliet, only with more crack hair and chin pubes. According to TMZ

The last few months Adnan has been getting into the gated community where Brit lives. They have been “together,” though we can’t say it’s still going on. We know they have been texting back and forth, at times complaining that Daddy Jamie is too “controlling” by trying to put the kibosh on the relationship.

I’ll say. Clearly Britney’s in control and capable of making informed decisions for herself. Honestly — and I know this sounds clichéd — but it seems like Britney’s dad and these so-called “doctors” are just jealous because they’ve never experienced true love. Sometimes you just have to sit back and let your heart — and the voices in your head — guide you. First making her wear underpants, and now this? The last time someone had that much control over my genitals, I was in a leather diaper and chained to a wall with a ball gag in my mouth.

According to Splash, Britney Spears sleazy ex-boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib, is shopping around a sex tape staring himself and Britney during her heavily-crazy days. The pair reportedly shot the tape during their bizarre 24 hour trip to Rosarito, Mexico.

Although the tape is kink-free, Britney kept the shit wacko by insisting on keeping on her pink wig throughout their… lovemaking.

“Word is that the video starts with Britney undressing,” said the insider. “She was wearing some cheap clothes that she bought down there in Rosarito. The sex wasn’t particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout. At one point in the tape Adnan asks the singer to remove the pink bob but she refused. “Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, ‘Take what off? There’s nothing left to take off.’”

The insider claims this will be the highest-selling sex tape of all time. Can we please not call it a sex tape! The words Adnan, Britney and sex do not belong in the same sentence together. I don’t know if I can handle hearing Brit scream, “Ay Papi” while getting it from Adnan. Too much. I’ll just add that to my list of “Things I Do Not Want to See in My Lifetime”.

Adnan Ghalib was attacked by a knife-wielding crazy last night! JFXOnline reports that Adnan was stabbed in the arm and also has a bruise on his eye and lacerations on his face. He received medical attention and is doing alright. He’s apparently been receiving death threats the past few weeks. It’s unknown who tried to attack his ass.

Round up the suspects! We’ve got a game of Clue here. Lynn Spears, Brit Brit, Daddy Spears and Gay Cockatoo (he’s still mad at Adnan for taking his haircut), where were you last night?!

Rumors have been swirling all week that Britney might be pregnant with Adnan Ghalib kid, after he went around and started bragging to all the tabloids about it. Now we didn’t take much stock in that because, well, Adnan is an enormous famewhoring loser. But that was before I saw this recent photo. So… Yep! Looks like its safe to set the Doomsday Clock forward another minute or so – because Britney is smoking for two now!

FAS face won’t even describe the mutation that’s gonna come out of that rotting stinkhole she calls vagina, she might actually give birth to an actual hammerhead shark, and with terrorist affiliations no less.

Someone put this collaborating retard out of her misery already, please!

During his sordid interview with Entertainment Tonight, Adnan Ghalib claimed he would marry Britney Spears if she proposed.

“Would anybody say no?”

Um, yeah, I think anyone who’s not into bipolar chicks with a hygiene problem would probably say no. Anyhow, Adnan claimed he and Britney had a pregnancy “scare” last week, but he firmly believes the singer would like to make babies with him. You know, to replace the old ones she can’t see anymore.

“She has a very maternal instinct. She was feeling a lot of things she said she felt when she was pregnant. I think she was hoping she was pregnant with my child.”

Too bad that maternal instinct doesn’t make her want to attend custody hearings, huh?

Regarding Britney’s bad British accent, Adnan said, “She just thinks it’s cute.”

Breaking news: it’s not actually cute.