OMG! Jennifer Aniston is knocked up! With twins! And John Mayer is the daddy! Except there’s an itty bitty problem. She’s not exactly pregnant just yet…. Who cares about that! It’s just petty details. According to Star Magazine:

[Jen's] doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She and John are doing a lot of yoga together, and Jen makes sure to do specific poses to help her get pregnant. She’s taking a lot of folic acid and has upped her intake of milk and beef — all of which are supposed to increase your chances of having twins. She’s even eating cassava root, because women in Africa who consume it have the highest rate of conceived twins.

In your face, Angelina!

Because there’s no better reason to have children than out of spite directed at an ex’s new lover. If you’re not already having them to, say, salvage your failing marriage or for the tax credit and WIC checks. Like they say in Africa, “one baby in the hand is worth a three-goat-and-two-chicken dowry in the fifteen-years-from-now bush!” Also “revenge is a dish best served on a big pile of afterbirth” and “HIV is a myth.” Now you know why nobody ever goes to Africa.