While walking down the street in London late last month, Keira Knightly was verbally assaulted by a random stranger. Keira told the Daily Mail:

“The other day I was walking down the street and was really thinking about this book I’d been sent. You know when you’re really in another place. Somebody jumped out and went, ‘Keira Knightley!’ I got such a shock, I couldn’t say anything because I’d been thinking about the book and this guy took incredible offence and started hurling the most amazing abuse. He said, ‘Who the fuck do you think you fucking are? You’re such a cunt.’ All this, and I’m completely on my own.

After that horrific experience, Keira had a minder last night for the premiere of [her new movie] The Duchess. ‘It’s a weird thing to have to deal with, but it’s happened enough to make me quite jumpy,’ the actress said.”

First of all, it’s not like I just “jumped out of nowhere.” I’d been camped outside her Richmond flat for a good two weeks. Secondly, my Tourette’s tends to act up when I’m nervous. What I meant to say was, “I really loved you in the first Pirates, Keira!” But what came out was “Keira Knightley! Who the fuck do you think you fucking are? Motherfuck shit shit fucking cunt Jew baby BALLS!” and also some eye twitches and compulsive spits. So, pretty much the toast I gave at my sister’s wedding word for word, only with more guys with billy clubs and handcuffs at the end. Mazel tov!