After news broke last week that David Duchovny entered rehab for sex addiction, everyone naturally assumed that he’d been cheating on his wife Téa Leoni. Nope. He’s just addicted to Internet porn. Fox News says:

Duchovny’s problem has been longstanding. His wife, Téa Leoni , was aware of it for some time. It had just reached a point where it had to be treated.

I have inferred from my conversation with Duchovny’s friend that this has something to do with an addiction to pornography, probably on the Internet. It’s the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction, where the person is just hopelessly trapped in chat rooms.

Tea needs to lighten up. Now her man is gonna be all embarrassed. I don’t know who decided that enjoying porn meant you were addicted, but I bet it was someone fat. Fat people are always real jealous of sexual creatures like me and David Duchovny.