Voicemail recordings that Charlie Sheen left for ex-wife Denise Richards three years ago mysteriously surfaced on the Internet yesterday. Of course, they’ve been yanked as fast as they’ve mysteriously appeared, but being the serious investigative journalist I am, I managed to obtain the transcript of his message left on Tuesday, April 19, 2005:

Yeah, I just got your other email and I am a little confused because you told me that was something you only told a couple of people, and this and that, and I just, again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky, and you’re a fucking liar. Okay. You’re a fucking liar. So, you know what it’s like, fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you.

So that’s where she learned the word! Although, “fucking cunt” might be her birth name. We should look into that. Charlie should seriously put these touching words into a love song to Denise. He’s such a poet!

In response, Charlie apologized in a written statement released Wednesday, saying:

“I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings. Three and one-half years later, the reasons that caused the anger and frustration displayed on that voice mail continue to be manifested on a daily basis because my children did not show up today for a custodial visit without explanation.”

Well, he went on to say, “But Denise is still a fucking dumb cunt.” No, he didn’t say that, but he wanted to. Denise said she has no idea how the tapes got leaked. They were court files from two years. Oh… Denise. She doesn’t give herself enough credit! Leaking is what she does best. No seriously, I think her old clients paid extra for that service.