Paula Abdul imitated and mocked Ellen DeGeneres on “VH1 Divas.” Ellen, of course, is taking over Paula Abdul’s role as judge on “American Idol” next season.

“Why you all staring at me? Can’t a girl try out a new job?” she asked innocently after boogying her way up the aisle of the Brooklyn Academy of Music.

Ooh. Take that, Ellen. I bet that totally hit beneath the belt. Although, contrary to popular belief, Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t actually so much have testicles, so once again Paul Abdul fails at life.

THE CRAZY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING I REPEAT THE CRAZY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

After weeks of speculation, Paula Abdul finally announced her departure from American Idol. Her Coke mug has run dry. Paula, surprisingly lucid, posted on her Twitter:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all… I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month.

I guess leaving Idol isn’t all bad for Paula. Now she can really get a good head start on hoarding buttons and playing dress up with her sixteen cats and hiding in the bushes so she can catch the neighborhood kids ringing her doorbell. Or whatever else it is crazy ladies do when they’re not in production on a hit TV show.

When word of Paula Abdul not returning to American Idol his this weekend, it was only a matter of time until some astronomical salary figure popped up. And apparently that number is $20 mil, according to RadarOnline:

Her manager David Sonenberg is playing tough, and probably made a few network execs squirm this weekend when he told the Los Angeles Times, “Very sadly, it does not appear she’s going to be back on Idol.”
The story behind Sonenberg’s comments, RadarOnline.com has learned from sources close to the situation, is that the former Laker Girl and hit recording star is demanding $20 million and the other side has floated the idea of $10 million. And while Paula has regularly renegotiated her contract with dire threats of not returning, Sonenberg is talking tough and hasn’t given anyone on the network side reason to believe he’s bluffing.

Paula Abdul’s new manager is an idiot. FOX is already replacing the voice cast of Futurama, so do you honestly think they’ll lose sleep over not having a drunken Paula on next season’s Idol?

Meanwhile, Simon Cowell’s future with “Idol” also hangs in the balance:

He has said he may leave the show when his contract is up at the end of next season. British reports claim he has asked to be paid in excess of $100 million a season.

So the crazy one and the British one are out, that leaves, what, the black one? That sounds like an awesome show. Kind of like if a tree fell in the forest and said “dawg” and no one was around to hear it.

The body of a woman was found last night in a parked car just a few years from Paula Abdul’s house in Sherman Oaks, CA. The cops say she might have died from a drug overdose

Police believe that the woman was a crazed Paula Abdul fan and might have been stalking her for a while now.

The woman has “ABL LV” (Abdul Love or Lover) on her license plate and has pictures of Paula hanging from her rear view mirror. Police sources told TMZ that they’ve been called out to Paula’s house a few times to deal with the stalker.

The cops also got a call from the woman’s parents yesterday afternoon. They reported their daughter missing and said she might be at Paula Abdul’s house.

Paula was not at home last night, because she was off being insane while filming “American Idol.”

Paula’s handlers better clear the room of dolls and booze, because she’s going to have a major meltdown over this news. She probably has a nervous breakdown when one of her fake eyelashes falls off, so I can only imagine how she’s going to take this shit.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Paula Abdul confusing us and herself when she let the Vicodin tea get the best of her while judging Jason Castro. Paula judged Jason for two songs even though he sang just one. Paula tried to explain to ET what the hell happened.

Paula said:

“It got very confusing … the producers come up to us in the dark and said, ‘We are not going to have you guys judge after each performer, we are going to have all the performers go once, then twice and at the end critique them. “

Paula said this surprised her, so she quickly tried to write notes for all performances. When Ryan called on her to judge Jason, she got confused.

“I was trying to give my critique for Jason Castro, and scribbled Jason’s name, and that was DAVID [COOK]’s! … We all just screwed up everything. This is live television. This is fun!”

Oh Paula! Just take another sip from your Coca-Cola cup, sit in the corner and count all the little elves you see scurrying around in front of you. I’m sure that will keep you busy for a few hours.

Thank the fuck for Paula Abdul! She was the only source of real entertainment on last night’s show! I even forgot what the hell any of them sang. The only thing I remember is Fetus Archuleta belting out “America.” He’s no Kristy Lee Cook and I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.

Basically, the toddler and David Cook are safe. Those two saps are going to battle it out in the finals. Please, this has been planned for weeks. So…here’s my bottom 2:

Brooke White: It’s this snatch’s time. I can’t stand to look at her “secretary trying to be fashionable” outfits anymore. I also find myself making her “woe is me” grimace whenever she comes onstage. I can already predict how she’s going to ruin a song before she starts singing. She sits at the piano and does her absolute worse Tori Amos impersonation. Bitch is going home tonight and I’ll toast to that!

Syesha Mercado: It’s either Jason or this Broadway fag. The stoners will keep Jason alive for a couple more weeks. He’s final 3.

Honestly, they should just eliminate all of those hags and declare Paula Abdul the winner of American Idol. She’s one of the only reasons for watching this shit anymore.

Ok, not really but she tried. Paula’s pre-taped performance of her new song, “Blah Blah Whatever” aired during the Super Bowl pre-show. It was pretty much what you would expect from Paula. She lip-synched and bounced around like a bunny on speed.

Awww…she’s my favorite pill-head.

Paula Abdul reportedly had a total breakdown in the middle of the airport. Radar Online reports that Paula completely lost it at LAX over the weekend.

A witness said:

“She had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes. One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice. She kept screaming three names over and over—Michael, Sidney, and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn’t care.”

Michael, Sidney, Leslieeeee!!!!! It’s almost certainly her three other personalities. She wanted to have a company meeting with them. A meeting of the “minds” if you will. The new season of American Idol kicks off next week, and don’t think for a second this season will be any different than the others: Paula Abdul will most likely continue to nod off at the judge’s table… or Michael… or Sidney… or Leslie…

She’s gone off again and this time she’s gone after Paula Abdul. Paula is an angel sent from God! Well…. angel sent from a Vicodin bottle. Here’s what that Rosie had to say on her blog:

right now
paula abdul would yell action
and the result would be
what we all see

there r times
u r so broken
fragile
pain filled
love less
desperate
raw
vulnerable
so needy for love

the black hole
satan vortex
gains and drains
eventually

were we brave enuf
or stoned enuf
to allow access
to the swampy crazy part

hey paula
we cringe
at r selves
thru u

an interior designer
top of her game
home maker of the stars
a hairdresser arrives

and nods
yes yes
i know her so
money wasted – time – talent

no no no
she cries
did u know u were creating for me?
she asks the insulted artist

and blah blah blah
good god
the worst of us
all

Sorry guys, but I absolutely agree. I saw that episode and Paula Abdul might be the most mentally unstable person.

She is such a crazy bitch and she’s this completely needy diva who constantly considers herself a victim in his cruel game of life…you know, where she has her hairstylist, stylist, 2 assistants, consultant, etc. following her around her mansion and doing anything she pleases. Yea, tough life.

The reason so many people think Paula Abdul is mentally unstable and borderline retarded is because Paula Abdul is mentally unstable and borderline retarded. As she proves yet again in this clip from her extraordinary reality show. Here she gets a phone call saying a radio station would like her to do a demo to audition for a radio show. A demo. Keep in mind as you watch this that it’s a demo. An audition. She didn’t get the job. Wow, when she raised her hands in the air and screamed yes yes, I got flashbacks to the time I was married and finally let my husband have sex with me. My husband at the time (God bless his soul) was just so thrilled. I’d be embarrassed for her if I weren’t already so embarrassed about myself and everything I do and say all day everyday.