Paris Hilton is a wee bit pissed that a billboard company in New Zealand is using her image to promote their vacant billboards. Here come the lawyers. From Stuff.co.nz:

Adam McGregor from Media5 told the Sunday Star-Times the company, which had grown from having 35 to 70 advertising sites in Wellington and Auckland, was not using Hilton to endorse their billboards. They were “just having a bit of fun”.

We assume that the agency has taken care of the rights to the image of Paris, but we will ask the question,” McGregor said.

Oh sure, they were just having “fun.” Well let me tell you, it’s all fun and games until Paris Hilton gets called basically the nicest thing anyone has ever said about her and threatens to sue. They may as well just have gone with their original concept: “Our advertising space is cheaper than THIS WHORE.”

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt hit Bowlmor Lanes in Manhattan last night for the opening of the new club Carnival last night, giving the pair plenty of priceless photo ops, including a make-out session with Bentley The Chimpanzee.

You know . . . That thing is probably just ridden with diseases and parasites. I sure hope someone at least made that monkey wash its hands after it was finished touching Paris Hilton. BAZINGA! Seriously, these things basically write themselves.

Paris Hilton, her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt and her braided hair have entered the island of Bora Bora. The warrior princess was dressed in typical fighting gear, a sparkly headband and a string bikini. It is unknown what Paris Hilton wants with the island, although it is suspected that she is looking to build a new Hilton hotel over important wildlife habitat and rename the island “Whora Whora.” Local men should be on the look out for this predator after dark. Paris Hilton is very familiar with invasions, so stay tuned for additonal updates as the come in.

Is she trying to kiss him or deepthroat his face? Not sexy at all. The way I see it, there are only two reasonable excuses why anyone should kiss like this. Either if you saw a glob of spaghetti sauce on your partner’s chin and wanted to clean it off … Or, if you’re a golden retriever. Period. Sure, “Hey everyone, look at me, I’m such a disgusting whore” is technically an excuse, but I did specify “reasonable.”

Here’s Paris Hilton going swimming at the pool of the hotel she’s staying in for Cannes. What a shame. They’re going to have to drain and disinfect that entire pool now. At least when somebody finds a poop or something in there they can probably just use the skimmer to get it out, but there’s still no way to skim out “whore.”

In case you weren’t aware, even Paris Hilton has a twitter page now. She uses it mostly to post photos of herself, naturally, because there just aren’t enough pictures of Paris Hilton on the Internet these days. At any rate, here’s the latest round of photos of her in a brunette wig.

Me in Disguise Today. Blondes have fun! But Brunettes are hot too! xoxo
about 13 hours ago from TwitPic

I hate to break it to her, but it’s going to take a lot more than a brown wig to disguise Paris Hilton. Even through the computer I can smell the whore stench. Maybe if she tried rolling around with a skunk or something? That might help cover it up. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Oh, come on. It’s Friday, dammit. She couldn’t just let me ease into the weekend without any severe emotional scarring? On the bright side, at least now I know what a “space hooker” is supposed to look like. Do you think herpes in outer space is the same as herpes on the planet Earth? I bet it like, glows green or some shit.

Paris Hilton helped Kathy Griffin film an episode of her show My Life on the D-List last night at Kitson. The two wore matching outfits which was all well and good until Kathy decided to flash her teal panties at Paris. Two things. First, Kathy Griffin and flash should never appear in the same sentence ever again. Second, Ahhhhhh, what have you done to my beautiful eyes?!

Paris Hilton is currently vacationing in Hawaii with her new boyfriend, because, of course she is. What did you expect, her to be visiting sick kids or doing humanitarian work in Darfur? Well, with any luck, maybe she’ll be mistaken for a surfboard and get slapped face down in the water until she drowns to death. It’s the little hopes like these that get me through the days, you know?

Someone who’s never felt the least bit squeamish about public displays of infection affection is Ms. Paris Hilton. And her new boyfriend Doug Reinhardt isn’t going to let a little thing like a swarm of paparazzi photographing his every move get in the way of getting some nookie post club-hopping nookie. Geesh, what a hopeless romantic.