Was there more to Madonna firing her trainer than we knew? Page Six has word of a million dollar lawsuit against Tracy Anderson, the woman credited with maintaining the Material Mom’s figure. Ex-boyfriend Glynn Barber says he invested heavily in Anderson’s fitness ventures, receiving only a “Dear John” letter in return. “She used her female charms to manipulate me to invest $1 million in her company,” says Barber.

And that’s not all! According to the ex, jilted in 2007, Tracy’s full of lies, magic and poisonous venom. “I was an easy target. She told me she was a Power Ranger. She told me she was in the musical ‘Cats’ for four years…None of this turned out to be true. I wish there was some way to inform her new boyfriend that he is playing with ‘The Cobra.’ Tracy absolutely has some voodoo capability.” Guess Madonna should watch out for sharp pains and snake bites, too.

Folks wondering why Madonna would rather “get hit by a train” than try marriage again should check out Esquire’s new interview with her ex, Sherlock Holmes director Guy Ritchie. Sandwiched between his punch-drunk philosophizing (”In karate, you find out how conceptual pain is. You go through layer after layer…I [have] realized the boundary, the place where pain lies, is not where I thought it was”) and extended spread metaphors (”But with marmalade, within its esotericism is a bit of accessibility. So you see, what I want to create is an accessible bit of esotericism. And well, that’s marmalade, innit?”) is a lovely passage concerning his feelings towards the Material Mom. Behold:

She’s a manifester, if there ever was one…First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she’ll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad…And, of course, here you go: I still love her. But she’s retarded, too.

Aw, the marmalade-making karate master still loves his broad, retarded manifester. If we had to spend a second more with this guy, we’d run for the first baseball player, male model—or passing train—we could find, too.

Madonna’s handsome brother, Christopher Ciccone, took a moment away from admiring his receding hairline, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and double chin to critique his sister’s recent look.

“She looked like Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong! It proves the point that you can judge a person by the company they keep— or don’t keep. It’s painfully apparent that Jesus may be able to turn water into wine, but your basic blow-dryer eludes him.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Madonna collapsed twice onstage during her Sticky & Sweet show in Bulgaria over the weekend. The Sun says

Madge lost consciousness singing Holiday and had to be held up by a dancer. Then, as she left the stage during Spanish Lesson, she passed out and fell over.

A source said: “Madge was really worried backstage. She had to sit down for a longer than usual between songs. She refused to end the show or take a break after the [first] dizzy spell. She’s suffering from exhaustion… she is anaemic.”

Has anyone considered the idea that maybe she just got tired and fell asleep? Old people like taking naps, you know. And Ovaltine and orthopedic shoes, but that’s neither here nor there.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Madonna paws at her crotch and thrusts her way through her new video “Celebration,” which also boasts the “talents” of boyfriend Jesus Luz and her preteen daughter Lourdes. The Daily Mail says

Luz, posing as a topless DJ, ends up kissing the mother-of-four before the scene cuts to a troupe of breakdancers – including Madonna’s 12-year-old daughter Lourdes.

If you can’t bear watching the video (I only could because somebody’s paying me to), there’s a “spoken word portion” in which Madge whispers to Luz

Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? You look familiar… You wanna dance? Yeah?
I guess I just don’t recognize you with your clothes on. What are you waiting for?

Yeah, what are you waiting for, Jesus? Her Geritol to kick in? High five!

Madonna was seen out in London last night with arms that no longer resemble human arms, but flesh-colored rain forest tree vines. Grandma Madge has had a good innings (much, much longer than her talent should have allowed) and it can only be hoped that she will understand this and fade into the background and enjoy a comfortable retirement. Sadly though, I fear this is an unlikely scenario.

The stage for Madonna’s concert in Marseille, France collapsed today, killing one person and injuring six. The collapse occurred at the Velodrome stadium where Madonna was going to perform on July 19. We’re told the top of the stage collapsed on a crane, which, in turn, fell on top of the workers. Fire officials in Marseille tell us two of the injured workers are in critical condition, one is an American.

French papers say the concert has been canceled.

Madonna has issued the following statement: “I am devastated to have just received this tragic news. My prayers go out to those who were injured and their families along with my deepest sympathy to all those affected by this heartbreaking news.”

Madonna’s daughter Lourdes Ciccone Leon was photographed out and about wearing a SpineCor corrective brace, which is commonly used in the treatment of scoliosis. And sure, maybe she has scoliosis. A lot of kids have scoliosis, because good posture is for losers. It’s also possible that she does not have scoliosis and she simply sustained an injury. SpineCor braces are often used by dancers, for example, but serious back injury is not terribly common in one so young as Lourdes. I suspect it’s more likely related to the fact that she probably has to bend over backwards at her mother’s whim at least eight or nine times a day. That shit takes a toll, you know.

Like most celebrities in the past 18 hours, Madonna issued a statement to People expressing her grief over the death of Michael Jackson:

“I can’t stop crying over the sad news. I have always admired Michael Jackson. The world has lost one of the greats, but his music will live on forever! My heart goes out to his three children and other members of his family. God bless.”

While I’m sure Madonna’s genuinely broken up about Michael Jackson, the two owned the 80s and were the same age, there’s no way I’m buying her body is capable of producing any amount of moisture. Including tears.

I bet soon we see a lot more 50-year-olds in fishnet stockings and mini skirts. Those cottontops walking around the mall before it opens will all have on smiley face rings and canvas Chuck Taylors with crazy mismatching laces. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it.