Suri Cruise, the daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, is jealous that her daddy gets to sashay around the house in sparkly kitten heels, so he got her a pair of her very own which she wore while shopping in Boston with that weepy robot woman who really needs an alien exorcism.

Children, do not try this at home!

This is another one of Katie Holmes advertisements for the Spring 2009 campaign for Miu Miu. Katie is putting her hand in the fire and not even making an “ow!” face?! Fire is no match for a robot. She’s so fucking digitally altered that even Second Life avatars look more realistic than she does.

Katie Holmes was spotted out and about in New York yesterday with a crusty wad of herpetic boils in the corner of her mouth. Tom’s “absolutely no kissing under any circumstances whatsoever” policy finally pays off! Score!

Forbes today named little Suri Cruise the most powerful celebrity toddler. No, seriously, Forbes felt the roughly ten billion lists they have on their website weren’t enough and they’re now ranking toddlers. Via the San Francisco Chronicle:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter, Suri, has been named the World’s Most Powerful toddler. A new poll by Forbes magazine has put the two-year-old ahead of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s brood of kids in the search for the most influential child under the age of five. The top 10 is as follows:

1. Suri Cruise
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
5. Sam Alexis Woods (daughter of golf ace Tiger Woods)
6. Cruz Beckham
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (daughter of actress Michelle Williams and the
late Heath Ledger)
8. David Banda
9. Sean Preston Federline
10. Sam Sheen (daughter of Charlie Sheen and ex-wife Denise Richards).

The fact that Suri’s the ”World’s Most Powerful Toddler” is impressive. But you know what’s more impressive? Not crapping your pants. Newsflash people: Other than the smell that wafts from their diapers, there’s nothing “powerful” about a toddler.

Katie Holmes apparently decided to celebrate Halloween early this year, and as you can see, she’s dressed up as a vampiric cult victim who just had her soul freshly sucked out of her body. That’s awesome. I’m totally going as that next year.

Katie Holmes was photographed leaving her New York apartment a few days ago with a set of snagglers that rivaled Kirsten Dunst’s. God damn. What happened to her lovely Hollywood smile? First the hair, and now this. Being married to Tom Cruise must be like being married to a damn Nazgûl, only with more maniacal laughing and obligatory butt sex.

I actually like this hairstyle.It’s almost identical to my own. Of course, I’m also very petite with pixie-like features, so it totally doesn’t look androgynous or lesbianey whatsoever. Which, unfortunate, is more than I can say for poor Katie here, who with her square jaw, lanky figure is now officially more butch than Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a busy weekend: the day before they stopped by the MTV Movies Awards on Sunday, the couple threw a house-warming party for their new Beverly Hills digs. Guests included Oprah, Jennifer Lopez, Jeremy Piven, Tobey Mcguire, Victoria Beckham, Eva Longoria, and Brooke Shields.

It is just me or are they starting to look more and more like each other. In a really creepy way. And what’s with her clip-on wig? Haircut mite look good on Suri but she looks like a fucking Muppet! She’s a giant Muppet. This may be one of the many Katie clones that Tom has made. The real Katie is actually dead.

Here’s Tom and Katie: Now with matching hair. Because, let’s be honest – the only person Tom really wants to fuck is himself. This picture is too awkward for words. It looks like Tom is taking his sassy Great Aunt Sylvia out for a lunch where they’ll leer at the hunky waiter together. Then later they might play bridge!

O’ happy day! What a wonderful, glorious day it is, everyone – for Katie Holmes has gotten her hair cut! Now we can all have a huge, celebratory Katie Holmes fabulous new hairstyle circle jerk and go on and on about how chic and cutting edge and awesome she is.

I totally think Tom and Katie got up one morning and there was a note in Suri’s crib. “You’re both fucking nuts, I’m outta here. Sincerely, Suri.”