Reports claim that John Mayer and Kristin Cavallari from The Hills have been hooking up secretly for quite some time (two years!). The pair have been sneaking off to a mutual friend’s house in the Mt. Olympus area of the Hollywood Hills to get freaky . . . for two years!

That’s a long ass time to keep this under wraps! Props to you guys.

A source close to Kristin says the reality star has been hesitant to start anything serious with John because “she didn’t want to be added to his long list of conquests, and they were both dating other people off and on.”

Wow! We hope for Jennifer Aniston’s sanity she wasn’t dating him at the time!

Furthermore, we’re hearing that since their secret love affair has come out into the open, they are starting to consider seriously going public.

I really don’t have any long-winded intro to this story other than John Mayer is a douche and Jessica Simpson is an idiot. Some source (aka Papa Joe using a voice changer) told Page Six:

“Several years ago when he was dating Jessica Simpson, he couldn’t go to her birthday party because he was on tour. So the night of her birthday she had dinner with [hairdresser] Ken Paves and a few friends. Everyone thought John would forget her birthday, but then a gift arrived from him — it was a DVD of him in concert. Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, ‘being with him.’ It was so sad.” A rep for Mayer declined to comment.

Seriously? A DVD of yourself? How is that romantic? I bring the romance by sending my girlfriend pictures of my penis with post-it notes of rainbows and flowers on it. Sometimes I don’t use post-it notes and just shine a light down on it like it was sent down from the heavens above. Because, really, who are we kidding? It totally was.

John Mayer was aboard the Mayercraft Cruise Liner in Long Beach the other day where he busted out his Big Gay Skipper outfit in order to attention whore above deck. Last year, he paraded around the inaugural cruise in a Borat costume. Regrettably, we won’t find out what he’s going to wear tomorrow because if all goes according to plan, he’ll be pushed overboard into the ocean where I’ll have already chummed for sharks.

I swear, Jennifer Aniston must be the most annoying, grating chick on earth or her vagina has teeth, because guessed who just got dumped again? Surprise! E! reports:

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer may have called it quits. That’s the rumor I’m hearing. A source says that the pair’s on-again, off-again relationship may have ended when Aniston returned from overseas, where she was promoting Marley & Me. She returned sometime within the last week. “He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour,” the source said. Aniston’s rep did not immediately comment. Mayer’s rep declined to comment on the singer’s personal life.

God. By now, Jennifer Aniston’s eggs must look like that sandwich you left in the fridge six months ago. You probably need an ice pick to tear them apart because they’ve all crusted together. Her biological clock must be ticking so loudly that she mistakes it for her morning alarm.

OMG! Jennifer Aniston is knocked up! With twins! And John Mayer is the daddy! Except there’s an itty bitty problem. She’s not exactly pregnant just yet…. Who cares about that! It’s just petty details. According to Star Magazine:

[Jen's] doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She and John are doing a lot of yoga together, and Jen makes sure to do specific poses to help her get pregnant. She’s taking a lot of folic acid and has upped her intake of milk and beef — all of which are supposed to increase your chances of having twins. She’s even eating cassava root, because women in Africa who consume it have the highest rate of conceived twins.

In your face, Angelina!

Because there’s no better reason to have children than out of spite directed at an ex’s new lover. If you’re not already having them to, say, salvage your failing marriage or for the tax credit and WIC checks. Like they say in Africa, “one baby in the hand is worth a three-goat-and-two-chicken dowry in the fifteen-years-from-now bush!” Also “revenge is a dish best served on a big pile of afterbirth” and “HIV is a myth.” Now you know why nobody ever goes to Africa.

First there were rumors of an unfortunate (for us) pregnancy. Now there are rumors that Jennifer Aniston might marry John Mayer and that it was Jen who made the first move. Because she’s desperate you see. Des-per-ate (des’ perɪt, -prɪt) adj., 1. Having lost all hope; despairing. 2. Marked by, arising from, or showing despair. 3. Reckless or violent because of despair. 4. Undertaken out of extreme urgency or as a last resort Star Magazine says:

“After a barrage of romantic e-mails from him, “she said that she’d only take him back if they got married, and he agreed,” says a source. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he. They’ve even talked about having a family, and John said that he couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone but her.” Since going public with their reunion, Jen and John have rarely left each other’s side, enjoying intimate dinners at his NYC apartment before sharing a private jet to L.A., where they’ve been seen together at The Tower Bar at Sunset Tower Hotel, Grand Havana Room and, most recently, the Beverly Hills Hotel.”

A marriage by way of ultimatum. I like it. Maybe later Jennifer can withhold sex until John beats up Angelina and Brad for her because in Jen’s world, people will do your bidding or else…. *shakes fist*

Okay, take this with a grain of salt. According to Australia’s New Weekly, Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer’s baby. Jen has reunited with John last week because she’s pregnant with his child, sources tell the magazine.

The pair made their first outings as a reunited couple last week, enjoying a romantic weekend in New York and a concert in Boston. But while friends are scratching their heads about what made Jen take the playboy musician back, the smile the actress has been wearing says it all — she’s pregnant and loving it!

Wait. Are they speculating she’s pregnant based off of her smile? I know Jenn’s life is depressing and she has very little to be pleased about, but come on. That’s like me saying that cute girl at Starbucks wants to sleep with me because she always tells me to have a nice day. Even though she does. You can’t base a wild rumor off of a happy disposition. You base it off of anonymous sources or in my case, the fact that you’re given correct change every time you buy a latte.

It looks like the rumors about Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer reuniting are true. The two flew into L.A. together on Monday and then were seen making out at the airport. An insider told the National Enquirer:

“They were very lovey-dovey. They kissed several times and hugged each other tightly. John gave her a long, lingering kiss.”

Once in L.A. they went their separate ways but judging by the kissing, insiders say there’s more to this than just a friendly plane ride together.

Long and lingering? Okay, I would say more, but I can’t even articulate an appropriate response here that doesn’t involve smacking Jennifer Aniston on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

Since she started doing fuckey times with John Mayer, 39 year-old Jennifer Aniston has dropped nearly $20,000 a month on beauty treatments to maintain her looks. Don’t laugh! The Enquirer says:

“Her monthly regimen includes private instruction with a top yoga guru and personal training sessions. Jen pays a private chef for organic, high-protein, low-fat meals [and] goes for anti-cellulite sculpting treatments twice a month. She calls the treatments ‘necessary tune-ups.”

But all those tune-ups might not be doing the trick. Just two days before Jen flew to Amsterdam to meet Mayer, the singer was busy cheesing up some chick in a Dutch coffeehouse. According to In Touch:

On June 20, John approached a writer from Manhattan Beach and sat beside her at her table. “I think he thought I was from Amsterdam, because he said, ‘I am John and I am a singer.’ I asked him what his relationship status was. He said, ‘It’s vague.’ I asked him what that meant and he said, ‘You know, it’s very vague.’ What she did say is that John was acting very much like a single man. “I never would have guessed he had a girlfriend at all. ”

Anti-cellulite spa sculpting treatments: $1,000. Thrice-weekly yoga session with top Hollywood guru: $3,000. Organic high-protein meals flown in by your personal chef: $3,500. Finding out your boyfriend cheated on you with some slut in fourteen dollars’ worth of Wet ‘n’ Wild from Walgreens: priceless. There are somethings that money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s actual self-esteem.

Here’s some pictures of Jenny walking to her SUV in Los Angeles and John walking to his SUV in NYC. Thrilling.

John Mayer drove his new sky blue and orange Ford GT to his personal trainers house yesterday before going to a gas station and then to have lunch with Jennifer Aniston at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Hate to play Devil’s advocate, but John Mayer didn’t get that custom painted to look like that, it’s actually a 2006 Heritage Racing Ford GT, they’re designed and factory painted as a tribute to the old GT40 racing cars – and to be honest I think these cars are beautiful. The car is a clasic, just like his girl.