Jennifer Lopez was performing her new single, Louboutins, at the 2009 American Music Awards and fell on her ass. That had to be embarrassing. Especially since her backup dancers had to do three cycles of P90X to lift her up. Man, did anybody do anything that resembled an actual performance last night? The producers could have had an elephant in a propeller hat riding a tricycle and it would have been, at worst, the second best thing you saw all night.

Us Weekly claims Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s marriage is on the rocks. Lopez showed up to last week’s New York premiere of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button without her wedding ring on and Anthony was spotted in Vegas the weekend before without his on. A friend of Anthony’s told the magazine:

“He’s very, very controlling of her. The skirts aren’t as short. You don’t see so much of that booty anymore.”

A longtime friend of Lopez’s added:

“She walks in from work, washes her hands and grabs the babies. With him, it’s almost like, ‘Ugh, they’re crying again?’ Jennifer looked around and said, ‘This is my life now? I’m a Long Island housewife?’ She hates that everything she worked for went down the tubes.”

Well, maybe that’s for the best. Now she can get back to her one true love, horribly cliched romantic comedies, and he can get back to his one true love, scurrying through dumpsters and gnawing on the brains of humans. Or whatever it is that washed-up pop stars and zombie sewer rats do in their spare time time.

Jennifer Lopez and her fat ass are still in Italy and still in a bikini on somebody’s yacht. I don’t know how that makes you feel, but I’m still sitting here with my penis still in a coma until Jennifer Lopez leaves Italy. Excuse me while I go and cry in a hot shower.

Did you know that when J.Lo wears a bikini that shiny, you can actually see her ass from space?

Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins early Friday morning in Long Island, NY. The twins, a boy and a girl, are the first children for Jennifer, and the fourth for her husband Marc Anthony.

The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs.

“Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon,” Lopez’s manager Simon Fields said.

Although names were not released, it was reported last month that Jennifer received I.D. bracelets baring the names “Max” and “Emme.”

A knocked up Jennifer Lopez and her baby-daddy, Skeletor, came out for the “Movies Rock” show last night in Los Angeles. She looked great, and I normally find her completely annoying, so I guess pregnancy agrees with her. Why does he touching her belly look defensive and creepy and not loving and fatherly? Seriously – I think he’s a serious control freak. Skeletor looks like an aids victim. Skeletor is scary. Amazing that women find him sexy. He looks like Antonio Banderas grandfather, if he was very ill.

JLo is the latest knocked up celebrity according to InTouch Weekly. JLo has said in the past how much she wants kids and blah…blah…blah… Her wish has come true!

An insider told the weekly that JLo had ultrasound on September 12 in NYC. They said, “The test calculated that she was about 12 weeks pregnant. She’s due in the spring.”

38-year-old JLo has been trying to get knocked up for the past two years. She apparently finally tried in vitro fertilization, which may have given her twins. The doctor isn’t sure if she’s carrying one or two babies.

The insider also said that JLo is waiting to make an official announcement, because she has miscarried in the past and knows that the first few weeks are crucial.

JLo and her husband Skeleton are due to tour together through the fall until November.

Skeleton’s sperm works! What a miracle!

Here’s JLo at her “Just Sweet” show last night in NYC.

I can’t keep in mind the last time I saw photos of Jennifer Lopez in a bikini, but after seeing those photos of Jenna Jameson in a bikini these couldn’t have come at a better time. It balances things out.

Lopez and her unlucky looking husband (he knows he’s unlucky looking, it’s just a detail) Marc Anthony enjoyed a break in Puerto Rico after their film El Cantante premiered.

Daily Mail (where I got the photos from) turned these shots into an entire post about “dreaded cellulite,” but I don’t see anything out of the normal here. I haven’t any cellulite because I’m superb, but if I did (not that I do) I would probably have (I don’t though) more cellulite on my ass than Lopez has on hers.