Tiger & Elin Are Officially Divorced

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren finalized their divorce earlier today. The documents don’t reveal any details but TMZ says Elin is getting that $100 million.

“We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us. Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern.”

Reporters tried to talk to Elin Nordegren after the divorce proceedings, but she was unavailable for comment due to the fact that she was dancing on top of a car throwing diamonds into the crowd and doing that thing with her hands where she pretends to make it rain.

Elin Nordegren Gets $750M, Custody of Kids in Exchange for Silence in Tiger Woods Divorce

It looked like a typo last week when it was reported that Tiger Woods would have to pay out 750 million dollars in a divorce settlement to Elin Nordegren, because are you god damn kidding me. But no, according to the Sun it’s right, because that’s what it cost for Tiger to buy Elins silence, even after his death.

ELIN NORDEGREN, 30, gets the biggest payout ever seen in a celebrity divorce.
“The price of the huge sum is her silence: no interviews, tell-all books, or TV appearances about this for the rest of her life – even if Tiger dies first – or she’ll lose the lot.”
A pal said: “Tiger’s main fear is her telling her story after he’s rebuilt his reputation, sending him back to the gutter.”

The article also says Tiger is not allowed to have any of his whores I mean girlfriends near his kids, ever, or at least until he marries one of them.

Under the no-girlfriends deal, only married women not romantically linked to Tiger will be allowed around the children – plus female members of staff known to Elin.

Wow women really are evil. So basically Elin has arranged for the kids to think their dad is gay now, and Tiger spent 750,000,000 dollars as part of the deal. I’m not so sure he really thought this through.

Woman Taken To Hospital From Tiger Woods Home

Woman Taken To Hospital From Tiger Woods Home

Earlier this morning, an unidentified woman, who is blonde and in her 50s, was rushed to the hospital by ambulance from Tiger Woods’ home in Orlando. The NY Post reports that when the paramedics arrived, the unidentified woman refused medical attention. Eventually, she was rushed to the hospital on “advanced life support.”

After the woman arrived at the hospital, a younger blonde woman who fits Elin Nordegren’s description showed up in an Escalade. Forty five minutes later, Tiger Woods showed up at the hospital.

The woman has since been released from the hospital.

Elin’s mother is currently in town from Sweden, so some are guessing that she’s the unidentified patient. But maybe one of Tiger’s cougars showed up in the middle of the night, and Elin greeted her by hugging her head with a 9-iron. Anything is possible in this never-ending soap opera. Cue dramatic music.