Curvy women have no place on the catwalk, German fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld said:

“No one wants to see curvy women,” Lagerfeld said. “You’ve got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying thin models are ugly.” Fashion is about “dreams and illusions.”

Whenever I read a cunt-covered quote from our Uncle Karl, I immediately bring up a picture of Fat Karl.

Madonna’s handsome brother, Christopher Ciccone, took a moment away from admiring his receding hairline, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and double chin to critique his sister’s recent look.

“She looked like Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong! It proves the point that you can judge a person by the company they keep— or don’t keep. It’s painfully apparent that Jesus may be able to turn water into wine, but your basic blow-dryer eludes him.”

Several anonymous Transformers 2 crew members posted an open letter about Megan Fox on director Michael Bay’s official website — and they were, uh, less than complimentary, to say the least. The NY Daily News says

“We’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies,” read the letter, which was taken down from the site after being read by thousands of fans. “And yes we’ve had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it’s very cringe-able.

Megan is the queen of… trailer trash and posing like a porn star… [and] a thankless, classless, graceless, unfriendly [bitch].”

The open letter’s been taken down now and replaced with a message from Bay himself, defending the actress’s “crazy charm” and how he looks forward to working with her on Transformers 3. Yep, bet the crew does too, from the sounds of it.

“My cocaine soundtrack was The Cure. I loved all their music, but I listened to this one song on repeat while I did bags and bags of cocaine. [The lyric went] ‘Whatever I do/It’s not enough’.

“Isn’t that funny? At the time I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me until my friends came over and said, ‘Are you doing this alone?’ Um, yes. Me and my mirror.”

Lady Gaga admits to doing bags and bags of cocaine in the past.

Here’s Lady GaGa in Germany sunday.

Introducing Del Monte’s Daniel Craig Superfruit Smoothie. It’s a Daniel-as-James-Bond popsicle, and it makes me oddly sick to my stomach. Maybe I’m just not into frozen purple dudes.

Entertainment Tonight asked celebrities about the biggest letdown of the year and somehow Lisa Rinna manged to get her say in. Her whole family has had it except her, she claims.

“I believe we all, except for myself, had the swine flu at our house,” Lisa tells ET about her ill family. “How do you know it’s the swine flu? I don’t know but we had all the symptoms.”

“We had it before it came out. …We had it at our house, I believe, and everyone is fine,” the actress explained to ET at the LG Rumorous Night with Heidi Klum event on Tuesday.

We had it before it came out? Is she tickling our asses? Isn’t Lisa kind of admitting that she’s the cause of it all? Everyone had except for Lisa, because she IS the swine flu. I mean, it makes sense. Her lips look like the swollen anal glands of a pot-bellied pig. Except these swollen anal glands still manage to push out caca nuggets. Yes, I do believe Lisa Rinna is the swine flu. Quarantine the bitch!

John Mayer was aboard the Mayercraft Cruise Liner in Long Beach the other day where he busted out his Big Gay Skipper outfit in order to attention whore above deck. Last year, he paraded around the inaugural cruise in a Borat costume. Regrettably, we won’t find out what he’s going to wear tomorrow because if all goes according to plan, he’ll be pushed overboard into the ocean where I’ll have already chummed for sharks.

Paris Hilton cares deeply about the recession. And by that I mean that she is very concerned about the diamond-less state of her jackassy Pepto Bismol pink Bentley.

A Bentley source said last night: “I guess she’s not hit too badly by the recession. Paris got one of her guys to phone Bentley in Crewe, where the vehicle was made, to ask if it would be possible to give it a little more sparkle.

“When the man said she wanted to stud the dashboard with a couple of hundred grand’s worth of diamonds, we were stunned.

I’m trying to think of what the appropriate karmic retribution would be for having a “diamond-encrusted” dashboard made for your car in the middle of an international financial crisis, but I can’t really think of anything that doesn’t involve her actually having to eat the dashboard. So instead, I’ll just say that I hope someone shoots her in the face. Ta da! Sometimes the old classics really are the best.

Here’s Paris Hilton shopping at Harmony Lane Boutique in Beverly Hills. Graceful as ever…

I must admit, when I first saw the pics late last night, I immediately dropped everything and went to the grocery store to stock up on canned goods, fearing it was some sign of the apocalypse.

Twenty years from now people will realize just how much of a fashion maverick Mickey Rourke really was and that he didn’t just pick the first thing he saw out of a box labeled “extremely retarded outfits” which he purchased at a flea market in 1982.