Ellen DeGeneres has signed on to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol, according to People:

“DeGeneres will sit alongside Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi and offer her own unique perspective to the contestants throughout the competition,” Fox television says in a statement.
DeGeneres, 51, begins her stint after the audition rounds, which have featured a rotating group of celebrity guest judges including Shania Twain, Victoria Beckham, Mary J. Blige, Joe Jonas and Kristin Chenoweth.
“I’m going to have a day job and a night job,” DeGeneres said at her talk show taping Wedneday, assuring her audience that The Ellen DeGeneres Show will continue. “This is so exciting for me.”

I just hope that either Ellen or Ryan Gaycrest dye their hair another color, because we are going to have a bitch of a time trying to figure out who is who!

And for those of you wondering if Ellen Degeneres has any singing experience, I present this to you:

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THE CRAZY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING I REPEAT THE CRAZY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

After weeks of speculation, Paula Abdul finally announced her departure from American Idol. Her Coke mug has run dry. Paula, surprisingly lucid, posted on her Twitter:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all… I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month.

I guess leaving Idol isn’t all bad for Paula. Now she can really get a good head start on hoarding buttons and playing dress up with her sixteen cats and hiding in the bushes so she can catch the neighborhood kids ringing her doorbell. Or whatever else it is crazy ladies do when they’re not in production on a hit TV show.

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Alexis Cohen aka Glitter Girl who auditioned for seasons 7 and 8 of American Idol but never made it to Hollywood was killed over the weekend in a hit and run. According to TMZ:

Alexis Cohen was struck on a road in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Her body was found by two pedestrians 350 yards from Cohen’s parked car. She suffered chest, head and abdominal injuries.

Cohen received notoriety for her post-audition rant in Season 7.

Alexis first auditioned for American Idol during season 7. The judges didn’t give her a golden ticket which caused her to launch into a rant where she told Simon Cowell to fuck off and said she was going to pursue actressing (!!!!).

Alexis cleaned up her look and auditioned again the next season, but she was also rejected. And she once again, delivered a giant F U to Simon.

I’d like to think that Alexis is sitting up in heaven, still flipping Simon off.

Kris Allen, a 23-year-old guitar-strumming folk crooner from Conway, Arkansas, was crowned American Idol 2009 on Wednesday night’s eighth Idol Finale on FOX.

Kris managed to edge out judge favorite Adam Lambert — and eleven other finalists — for this season’s win. Tonight’s two-hour finale included performances by the Black Eyed Peas, Cyndi Lauper, Carlos Santana, and Rod Stewart. Adam performed with KISS while Kris — a student — dueted with country star Keith Urban. Before the announcement, the two finalists performed “We Are The Champions” with legendary rock band Queen.

According to American Idol host Ryan Seacrest, more than 100 million votes were cast after Tuesday’s singing showdown between Allen and the San Diego-born Lambert. A record-setting 624 million votes were cast over the course of the season.

I don’t see why, because when he came on stage on with eyeliner and daddy didn’t hug me hair and sang Broadway tunes, I was under the impression he was a UFC fighter or a Navy Seal, but gay? No way, man. No way. I’m just not buying it.

The judges were unanimous when it came to American Idol hopeful Casey Carlson last night: yes, yes, yes, and hell yes. While there was nothing particularly impressive about her voice there was something very impressive about her body. Two things, to be exact.

If for some reason this whole singing thing doesn’t pan out for her, she’ll always have bikini modeling to fall back on. Anyway, I’ve set up a few lights and cameras in my basement for if she needs work.

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Oh shit! David Cook took candy away from David Archuleta and won this motherfucker. I’m seriously saying a few silent prayers tonight for Fetus Archuleta. He’s not my thing, but I’m cringing just thinking about the beat downs that are coming his way. You know his daddy is getting his belt ready.

As for the rest of the show… GAY EXTRAVAGANZA! You know how Simon always compares bad performances to “cruise ship performances.” This shit was epitome of cruise ship entertainment! Entertainment on a fucking gay cruise.

DialIdol.com predicts that David Cook will win tonight. I still think that Fetus Archuleta is going to take it. The judges are so far up his asshole that they probably know in detail what his organs looks like. Randy Jackson basically gave Archuleta handjob after handjob last night. Archuleta would have cum, but I don’t think he’s capable of doing that. Shit, I don’t think he’s fully developed yet. His daddy better make sure he’s doubled up on the diapers tonight. When they announce him as the winner, he’ll probably wet his pants. He can’t help it, because he can’t hold it!

David Cook seems like he’s over this shit and I don’t blame him. I secretly hope he wins, but he won’t. The producers and judges have already decided Archuleta needs to win. It’s their gift to all the pedos that watch this mess.

The only way I can deal with tonight’s long ass finale is if Paula Abdul is in top form. Bring on the crazy Paula! The country needs you!

And what was up with the boxing theme last night? GAY! They might as well have done an oil wrestling theme.

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Paula Abdul confusing us and herself when she let the Vicodin tea get the best of her while judging Jason Castro. Paula judged Jason for two songs even though he sang just one. Paula tried to explain to ET what the hell happened.

Paula said:

“It got very confusing … the producers come up to us in the dark and said, ‘We are not going to have you guys judge after each performer, we are going to have all the performers go once, then twice and at the end critique them. “

Paula said this surprised her, so she quickly tried to write notes for all performances. When Ryan called on her to judge Jason, she got confused.

“I was trying to give my critique for Jason Castro, and scribbled Jason’s name, and that was DAVID [COOK]’s! … We all just screwed up everything. This is live television. This is fun!”

Oh Paula! Just take another sip from your Coca-Cola cup, sit in the corner and count all the little elves you see scurrying around in front of you. I’m sure that will keep you busy for a few hours.

Thank the fuck for Paula Abdul! She was the only source of real entertainment on last night’s show! I even forgot what the hell any of them sang. The only thing I remember is Fetus Archuleta belting out “America.” He’s no Kristy Lee Cook and I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.

Basically, the toddler and David Cook are safe. Those two saps are going to battle it out in the finals. Please, this has been planned for weeks. So…here’s my bottom 2:

Brooke White: It’s this snatch’s time. I can’t stand to look at her “secretary trying to be fashionable” outfits anymore. I also find myself making her “woe is me” grimace whenever she comes onstage. I can already predict how she’s going to ruin a song before she starts singing. She sits at the piano and does her absolute worse Tori Amos impersonation. Bitch is going home tonight and I’ll toast to that!

Syesha Mercado: It’s either Jason or this Broadway fag. The stoners will keep Jason alive for a couple more weeks. He’s final 3.

Honestly, they should just eliminate all of those hags and declare Paula Abdul the winner of American Idol. She’s one of the only reasons for watching this shit anymore.

“American Idol” held its second annual “Idol Gives Back” Sunday night, (to air this Wednesday) a charity themed competition to raise money for underprivileged children. In addition to hosting the event, Ryan Seacrest also donated his entire paycheck to the cause.

“When he and Simon went to Africa last year and saw the children, it was really life-altering for him,” says the source. “He just knew he had to do his part and be willing to put his money where his mouth is.”

You know, that’s great. That’s just really great. I always assumed FOX paid Ryan in leftover sandwiches and Simon Cowell’s chest hair trimmings, but they give him an actual paycheck. That’s very generous of them! Oh, and you know, the charity thing … That’s good too.