American Idol’s main crank case Simon Cowell arrived to check in at the One Devonshire Gardens hotel in Glasgow, Scotland, on Tuesday.

He was aided by a man servant seemingly dressed to remind everyone that yes, you are in Scotland.

Fuck, I knew I should have asked for a man servant for Christmas and not a Nintendo Wii. Stupid thing doesn’t even know how to make a decent drink.

Lily Allen recently opened up (pun intended) about her lesbian three-way with identical twins. She told the Gay Times:

“I did once snog identical twins in San Diego. I was on the sofa and I had them both. I was dancing and shoving my ass on one of them. That’s the only time, but I have lesbian dreams a lot.”

She might have called it a “three-way lesbian romp with twins,” but I have another name for it: incest. Sometimes I have dreams that Lily Allen stops talking and just makes music. It’s just a dream, though.

According to London’s Daily Mirror, Britney Spears is on the verge of signing a £10million book deal that would see her writing between three and five books over the next ten years. No word yet if the books will include pop-ups or a scratch-and-sniff section. A source told the paper:

“There have been numerous unofficial biographies printed about Britney, but she’s never agreed to pen her own tome – until now. And some of the stories she’s got are absolute dynamite. She’s kept diaries so there’s nothing she’ll leave out unless she wants to. If the deal goes ahead she will write between three and five books throughout the next decade – it’s one of the most lucrative book deals in showbiz history. Britney will talk frankly about growing up and how she went off the rails. It’ll be a gripping read.”

It’s unclear why, in this recession, anyone would pay Britney such a tidy sum for 120 Cheeto-stained pages of why she thinks rainbows are pretty and how she enjoys licking cake mix off spatulas. They might as well feed those millions through a paper shredder. By their logic, that’s probably an easier way to quadruple that £10million.