Kelly Osbourne debuted a new shiner this week. Photographers snapped Kelly leaving her London apartment with a huge black eye and a bandage over her temple. A faulty cupboard is to blame for Kelly Osbourne’s jacked up eye. Kelly was at home with a “stomach bug” (aka mega diarrhea) when she went to grab a glass from her kitchen cupboard. The bitch must be strong because the entire cabinet came crashing down on her, cutting her temple and busting up her eye. I fucking bet you that cupboard came from Ikea and Ozzy Osbourne installed it.

Her spokesman Gary Farrow said:

“She was suffering from a stomach upset all weekend, which meant she couldn’t go out anywhere, and then this happened. She is fine now, though.”

Here’s more of busted up Kelly with her pretty boyfriend on their way to the doctor’s office.

Mary J Blige decided to show them young girls that 37 is the new 27 and they better watch out… Who could have seen that coming?

The sneaky troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen has the right idea. Why bother getting dressed anymore? Fuck, why bother washing your hair? Life would be so much easier if we all just rolled out of bed, put on some nasty chanklas, ate a bowl of liver spots and then headed out the door.