Ted Casablanca over on E! says today that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, seemingly one of the more normal Hollywood couples, may be headed for a divorce. Ted says:

Terribly unfortunate scuttlebutt has come my way. Sources insist to me that Jennifer Garner is considering splitting up from her hubby, Ben Affleck … Could this be the reason Jen and Ben are always seen cooing over adorable daughter Violet separately, rarely as one happy family unit? Perhaps.

Bite your fucking tongue, asshole. Ben and Jennifer? No sir. Not true. Ain’t happening. And your an assfacehole dickmonster loobyhockey dillymobile for even suggesting it. It will never happen. And they should sue you for slander. And libel. And then someone should kick you in the ribs for passing along tainted gossip. You, sir, are a scalleywag!

Benny’s representatives said:

“We usually don’t comment on stuff like this. But you should know sources are liars. If you guys want to do the right thing, you won’t post that item. It’s all BS.”

I would probably weep one black tear if Bennifer the Sequel split up. If these two blocks of wood can’t make their marriage last, nobody can.